A Few Thoughts

I've been debating about how personal I want to get with this blog and my posts. I've never been one to just open up to people about my personal life -- my passions, my fears, my heartaches, my dreams. However, I keep going back to the same thought: that part of my purpose in starting this blog was so it could serve as a type of journal. Additionally, I know that there is always strength in numbers. I know that it helps me get through trials when I read about the life journeys other people take through their highs and lows. Perhaps, my experiences will, too, be able to help others. So I am going to go for it and I apologize if I ever get too personal in what I share with you.

Now, with that introduction, I will get to my purpose in writing today. Yesterday, as I was getting ready for church, I had the BYU channel on and was listening to a devotional given at BYU-Idaho this past summer. At this point, I don't even remember the topic of the devotional (I have a horrible memory), but there was one part of the talk that really stood out to me and that I know was meant for me to hear. Before I get to the talk, I want to share a little bit of my past.

As many of you know, a big focus in my life has been on writing. When I returned from my mission, I had all sorts of dreams and ambitions to write books and possibly church articles for the Ensign. The first book that I began (and have yet to work on and finish) focused on finding emotional and spiritual strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. A focus of study for me during and after my mission was Christ's Atonement. I found that my knowledge of and faith in this infinite gift gave me great strength as I faced the different struggles and challenges that came my way. There were times that others even commented on my internal strength; I began to believe that strength was a spiritual gift that I had been blessed with. Then some things happened in my life that began to weaken me.

As I go on, please know that I am not doing so to look for sympathy or attention, simply to share my experiences.

About seven months into our marriage, Dave and I decided to start building a house as we were hoping to start a family soon, and we were in a pretty good spot financially to do so with Dave's job at Richmond American Homes. About a month after signing our paperwork to build, we found out we were pregnant. We felt like we had truly been blessed and that life was practically perfect for us. There were even a few times that we'd tell people that things were too perfect, and we were just waiting for something bad to happen because there was no way that we could be so lucky. We turned out to be right.

When I was ten weeks along, I sensed that something was wrong and had a strong feeling that we were not going to keep this baby. I went to the Dr. for an ultrasound, and sure enough, there was no heartbeat. The very next day, Dave was called into a meeting for work where he found out that the company was doing a large layoff, and he was one of many to be laid off effective immediately. Within a 24 hour period, our world seemed to come crashing down. We found out we'd be losing our baby, we lost our job, and in turn lost the house we were building.

Because of my knowledge of the gospel, I kept telling myself that there was a reason for all of this. I kept searching for the strength I was so sure I had. Although it was something I had studied and something I wanted so badly to share with others, I suddenly could not find it within myself when I needed it the most.

It has now been over a year since the miscarriage and job loss, and unfortunately, through this year, I have to admit that there have been times that I have lost even my desire and my hope to find the strength to get through my trials.

And finally this long story brings me to the talk I listened to yesterday. The speaker talked about her experience working at BYU-Idaho as the assistant to the president of the University. She shared one specific experience speaking with (I believe) Elder Eyring before he was to give a devotional address. He told her that if there were one topic that he could speak about for the rest of his life while serving in the church, he would speak about the enabling power of the Atonement -- the power that gives us endurance as we face trials, the power that gives us the ability to fulfill our callings in life, the power that gives us strength to withdraw from sin. He told her that he believes it is a principle that so many people don't understand, yet need to understand to face live's hardships.

Hearing those words finally touched me again after more than a year of losing sight of such simple gospel principles. I was reminded that the power of the Atonement is real and it stretches beyond the power of repentance. During this last year, I have been looking for strength within myself, rather than looking for strength in my Savior and in His sacrifice for me. As much as I would like to be self-reliant in all aspects of life, I know that I need to be humble and learn to rely on the help of others, including that of my Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ.

Again, I apologize if I have been too personal, and I apologize even more for the length of this post, but I hope that it might give me strength as I turn back to reflect upon it at later times and hope that it might give someone else strength during a time they, too, need it.

I love the fall!

I get giddy this time every year. I love the crisp fall weather, the changing leaves, the excitement of football games (although I never go to any these days), and I love the approaching holiday season. Fall is definitely my most favorite season and love everything it means. To me, fall is a friends and family season minus the hustle and bustle of Christmas chaos. Life usually calms down from the business of summers - traveling, house work, yard work, etc. There seems to be more time to spend at home and time to spend with loved ones. Thoughts turn to the family as the holidays approach and plans are being made for holiday dinners, gift giving, and family activities.

This past weekend, we had what I would call our second fall extravaganza. (A few weeks ago we were able to spend some time with just the two of us and our dogs as we drove through Provo canyon and saw the changing leaves.) This past Friday, we were able to spend time with good friends. We went out with some of my closest friends from the good ol' Chicago North Mission and we went down to our mission president's farm in Santaquin, UT (South Ridge Farms) where we went on a hayride around the orchard that then took us to a pumpkin patch where we picked out our pumpkins that we will soon carve for Halloween. After the fun at the farm, we all came back to our house for some delicious potato soup and bread bowls and some pumpkin pie to end the night. It was fun to see our friends once again and to spend a little bit of time enjoying the fall weather. I hope that we will continue to keep such fun traditions with our friends as time goes on and our own families begin to grow.

And the blogging begins...

Since I am absolutely horrible at keeping in contact with friends and family, I'm horrible at scrapbooking, and I'm horrible at keeping a journal, I thought I'd finally succumb to the world of blogging and somewhat accomplish those things that I wish I were better at.
Well, it is obviously late, and I'm not quite sure where to begin with this blog, so I think I will call this my first post and wait for another day and time when I am more coherent and ready to write.