Pushing Through

I'm not gonna lie, life has been hard lately.

I don't think there is anything specific that has made it harder than usual, I think I'm just simply wearing down and I'm finding it hard to muster up the energy and determination to keep on plugging along.

It is probably no big secret to most, but more than anything, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom (or even a part-time working mom - I'd take that too). Obviously, our life has just not worked out to where I can be home. And really, I have been okay with it for the most part. I have a good job and I really enjoy what I do and it has worked out for us. Of course there are still times it is hard and I get down a little, but I can usually kick myself back into gear within a few short days and keep on going. For some reason, it is not working out that way this time around.

I feel like every day, my heart hurts just a little more and my spirit sinks just a little deeper, and I can't get myself out of this wallowing of self-pity. I am definitely not a fan of the "poor me" attitude, so I try to just push myself out of it, and it is just not working. What is wrong with me? I need some help here people. I know that there are millions of other working moms out there, and they can do it. So why can't I? Why can't I seem to make everything work? Why can't I enjoy a productive day at work, then come home and cook some dinner, clean up the house, and spend time with my family and do it all again the next day with a smile on my face? It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to me, but it is.

I feel like an awful mother and wife. My house is ALWAYS a mess, I NEVER cook, and I hardly have the energy to provide the love and attention my family needs each day. I am going to be honest, I've been a total grump lately. My thyroid and hormones are totally out of whack, and I've been trying to adjust my hormone levels to help make me a sane person (and a fertile woman), but it just seems to be making things worse. I feel so bad for my husband and daughter because I am just no fun to be around. I wish I could just somehow force myself the person I need to be and want to be.

.... have you heard enough of my complaints yet?

The fortunate thing in all this, is that I have the gospel. And I have been able to find small glimmers of hope that I will be able to pull through this. Let me just share three things that are helping me to keep pushing.

1) I recently flew to Denver for a short 1 day trip to a conference for work. On my way there, I decided to read some conference talks. One of the talks I happened to read was my Russel M. Nelson called "Face the Future with Faith." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/face-the-future-with-faith?lang=eng Quite fitting for my needs right now, don't you think? Not only did the words of this talk from one of our modern day prophets help me, but the knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves us so much to provide us with prophets to share the very words we need to hear reminds me that I am not alone and I have a support system to help me face my challenges.

2) On my flight back from Denver, I just stared out the window as we flew into the Salt Lake Valley. And I looked at all the little houses, and little neighborhoods, and little cars driving. I always love looking out the window as I fly and get a different perspective of the world. This time was a little different though. This time, I was looking over Provo and Orem, where I have spent the last seven years of my life, and I was picking out all the various landmarks and figuring where things were located. I was looking at this valley where I spend my every day life from a much different perspective. It made me think about "the bigger" picture. And I just kept thinking how small and insignificant everything seemed from that view, but yet how inside of every one of those homes there was a family probably facing their own very "big" trials and challenges. I thought about how narrow-minded I am each and every day as I go about life and focus so much on how things are affecting ME. Yet so many of those things that I am focused on are so small and so insignificant compared to what really matters. This time right now is so small compared to eternity. So the things that I should be focusing on are the things that affect my eternity. When I look at it that way, my problems just don't seem so big anymore.

3) Today was a combined lesson for Young Men and Young Women. Brother Moore, who happens to be a seminary teacher, is the person who taught the lesson. He was talking about remember who WE are and BEING children of God. One of the scriptures he shared was yet again something I needed to hear. He had us read in Romans, chapter 8. http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/rom/8?lang=eng Verses 17 and 18 are just what I needed. They state:

17And if children, then heirs; ^aheirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we ^bsuffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

18For I reckon that the ^asufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the ^bglory which shall be revealed ^cin us.

I am sure I have read these verses time and time again. Yet today is when I REALLY needed them. What amazing words. I am a joint heir with Christ, and my sufferings that I am facing now are not even worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed IN ME.

If I can continue to have the patience to endure and have the faith to keep moving forward, hopefully I will be able to just keep pushing through this heartache that is mine at this moment.

Summer thus far

Sorry I have gotten a bit behind on the blogging. Time just passes way too quickly when you're having fun I guess. :)

We'll start with Memorial Day:

I was kind of bummed with the fact that we had not-so-great weather for Memorial Day weekend, but we still tried to make the best of it. On Saturday, we went to a Francis family picnic where we got together with some of my dad's family including his cousins.

After the picnic, my family took a drive up to the Morgan Cemetery to make our annual visit to my grandparents' graves and other family members. Belle loved the cemetery and running around from headstone to headstone.

Although the weather wasn't fabulous, we still had a good time.

Then there was St. George:

My Grandma had her time share available for a week in June, but no one was able to use it. There were conflicts with just about everyone. However, there were three of us who could manage to squeeze it it. :) So my mom, Kathryn, and I decided it would be great to go down together and split the cost of things and enjoy a girl's weekend at the same time.

It was so nice to get away from life for a little bit. We didn't do much of anything while we were there, and it was great. We spent some time at the pool and tried to get Belle used to the water, as she was terrified of it. With each new day in the pool, she enjoyed it more and more.

We also did a tiny bit of shopping, and of course a little bit of eating.

And then came the 4th of July:

The 4th of July seems to be the holiday that all of Dave's family makes it down to Blanding. Personally, I love going to Blanding for the 4th because you get the small-town, America feel on the perfect holiday for that feeling. We enjoy a small, and somewhat lame parade, followed by a carnival with lots of food and games for the kids. Then of course comes the fireworks which actually seem to be somewhat impressive for such a small town.

Since Aerial fireworks were legalized this year, quite a few people were lighting them throughout Blanding, so Belle got a small taste of fireworks while she was playing around outside. All Sunday night (the 3rd) and ALL DAY on the 4th, Belle kept saying, "Go see bireworks." Belle wanted to see the fireworks so badly, and I was so excited for her to see them. Unfortunately, they seemed to scare her a little bit once they started. She just hid her head under her blanket and eventually fell asleep. Then as we were walking to the car after they ended, she started all over again - "See Bireworks." That poor girl just wanted to see the fireworks, but she was too scared and too tired to give them any attention. Hopefully, next year will be a bit better and she will actually get to enjoy the official fireworks show.

We LOVE the 4th and everything that comes with that holiday. We are sad it has come to an end and we had to leave Blanding once again for awhile.

We have enjoyed some good summer festivities this far and we hope to have A LOT more!