I have been meaning to share some of those thoughts and feelings, but have been too busy. So hopefully, I can remember everything that has gone through my head and attempt to make some sense of it. Please note that these thoughts have no order to them.
- One of my greatest challenges with everything has been the fact that I have no control . It has been a true lesson to me that God is in control, and that I have to trust in His plans for me, and His timing. I am a definite control freak, I won't deny it. It has become more and more apparent to me over time. I stress greatly when I feel like I'm not in control of things (it is really not healthy). And being a control freak, I am a planner. I need to have things planned out in detail, and when things don't go according to plan, I panic. The weird thing about it is, I learned a few years ago that life doesn't usually go according to my plans (with Dave's job layoffs and changes in career, etc). And I feel like I have become a lot more relaxed about allowing our life's hurdles to happen. But for some reason, it has been harder for me to not have control of this life hurdle. I had a plan, and I was bound and determined to make sure that plan worked out. At first my plan was to have another summer baby to be two years younger than Belle. When that plan didn't work out, I figured I could adjust, and I would do everything in my power to have a baby by this coming summer and they would be three years apart. But I absolutely could NOT allow for a gap greater than three years between the two kids. I want Belle to be close to her sibling(s); I want them to be friends and have a special bond. And I wanted a summer baby because it is perfect timing for a few reasons: 1) My mom is a school teacher, and summer is an easier time for her to help with the baby; and 2) Belle is a summer baby, and if we were to have another girl, I could re-use all of her clothes. 3) I don't want to have a baby during cold/flu season with increased risks of infections. 4) Well, I won't yet go into detail about the 4th reason yet, but there is a 4th reason (and I think it's a good reason). Even though we have been trying for so long, my ultimate goal was to be pregnant by November. I thought if I prayed hard enough, tried hard enough, was really consistent with all the details of trying, I could make it happen. The months that I was really focused on getting a pregnancy test - September, then October, and then November were disappointing and difficult as they came and went with no positive result. My perfect plan was suddenly ruined. The lesson is infertility is not easy for type-A personalities. . . . and I guess more importantly it is to learn to trust in the Lord's timing.
- So a brief history about me, and my experience with infertility in general. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Basically from that time, my doctors have told me that the best cure for endometriosis is pregnancy and child birth, but to also know, it could cause complications in getting pregnant, so they encouraged me that as soon as I was able, I should have children. Basically, I was told not to prolong having children. Again, with the Lord's timing, there is only so much control I can have over that. ;) That being said, I have kind of mentally prepared myself since I was a teenager for challenges in getting pregnant. So as you can imagine, when I got pregnant the first time, after only 3 months of trying, I was surprised. And then when we got pregnant with Belle after about 7 months of trying, again, I was surprised. At that time, I thought, maybe I will not face these challenges that I have tried to prepare myself for. And I almost felt guilty about it. I felt guilty because I had close friends and many aqcuaintances whom I knew were struggling with the battle of infertility. And I felt guilty that I was not. After all, it was something that I had prepared for, and that maybe they had not. I felt guilty when I was pregnant, I felt guilty when I had a baby, and even still at times, I feel guilty knowing I have this beautiful little girl when I know so many other people are struggling and longing to have that same blessing. Maybe guilty isn't the right word. . . maybe undeserving. All that being said, I have still felt somewhat of an emotional connection and a love for those who do struggle with infertility. I have felt a desire to reach out to them and to be there for them, so I have tried to support them in thought and prayer. I have tried to engage myself in learning more about infertility and learning about people's struggles. As I have done so, I have read people's stories, and I have read about emotions they experience such as denial and shame. And I have always wondered why anyone would feel those emotions when dealing with infertility. Why would they face denial about something that is just a part of life and that so many other people deal with? Why would they feel shame about something they did not "do"? Infertility is not something anyone can control, so why would they feel shame about a simple medical condition (if you will)? And another question that I came across - why would anyone feel shame about fertility treatment? Why would they feel guilty about seeking out treatment? These were questions that I thought were simple, and I didn't think people had REASON for those feelings. Now that I have been dealing with it for a short time, I understand . . .
- Although we had been trying to get pregnant for about 18 months when I scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic, I didn't consider us as dealing with "infertility." We were just having a hard time getting pregnant. After meeting with the doctor, and he discussed my diagnosis of infertility with us, I left feeling all those things I had not previously understood. I realized that I was dealing with denial. How dare he say I was infertile? I'm not infertile. I've had a baby, and I've been pregnant twice. We were just simply experiencing some difficulties this time around. And I remember driving back to work after that appointment, and I remember having this weird feeling of shame come over me, or a feeling of being broken. What?!!!! I recognized I was feeling this, and I thought to myself, "Jenn, this is the feeling you know is not true!" Yet, I was feeling it, and I couldn't help it. I felt like something is wrong with me. My body is not the way it is supposed to be. It isn't working right. And I felt ashamed of it. And then the last couple of weeks, I have experienced the feeling of guilt with treatment. As I have begun fertility treatment, and all the science that goes into creating the miracle of a baby, I have felt guilty that I am agreeing to this "science." I feel like I am taking God's greatest power out of his hands and into my own. I have been consumed with the questions. Is this right? Is Heavenly Father disappointed in me? Am I doing something I shouldn't be? What if I am forcing something to happen that He doesn't want to happen? Am I forcing things to happen in what I want to be MY timing and not His timing? Even though, I have decided to move forward with treatment, I still have these questions looming in my mind. But fortunately, this afternoon, I was finally able to reach a feeling of comfort about it all. I know that Heavenly Father wants Dave and I to try and expand our family. I know that we have been living our life righteously and we have been trying to live as Heavenly Father would want us to live. Bringing another child into our home is a righteous desire, and fortunately for people like myself in this day and age, Heavenly Father has provided ways for infertile couples to bring to pass those righteous desires. Even with these thoughts and feelings of comfort, I will not deny that those questions of guilt have not dissipated.
- Along with all my feelings of confusion, denial, shame, and guilt, I have of course been consumed with a feeling of fear. These treatments are difficult financially and emotionally, what if it doesn't work? What if I am more broken than we think? What if it is STILL not the Lord's time? Will I be able to handle the disappointment? Because I know it will be a disappointment multiplied ten-fold from what I have felt before.
This road has been a somewhat long one, a hard one, and a disappointing one. I have a strong feeling that it will continue to be long, but I pray that I will be able to follow the examples of the many women I have watched struggle with this trial. I pray that I will be able to face it like them. And I pray that I will able to feel my Heavenly Father's hand in it all, and TRUST that He will remember me when it is time, as he once remembered Rachel.
