My heart hurts a lot lately.
I know that I have mentioned on this blog as well as Facebook how crazy my job has been lately and how stressed I am. And it is all true, my work is beyond CRAZY right now. It is honestly probably crazier than I could even attempt to explain to anyone. I have been working 10-12 hour days for weeks now, and I'm still not able to get everything done. We just have sooooo many things happening at the same time at our office, and of course it all just happens to coincide with the timing of when my baby is supposed to come into this world - which makes it that much harder.
Honestly, work is stressful, and there are always times when it gets stressful, but I can learn to cope with the stress and I can get through things. What I cannot cope with right now is the sadness of my heart and the immense guilt I am feeling as a mother right now.
As we are getting ready for the upcoming birth of our second child, all I can think about is the change it will bring for our sweet Belle. And I feel like the WORST mother in the world because right as this major change in Belle's life and our family life is about to take place, I have been COMPLETELY absent from Belle's every day. I haven't been getting home until past her 8:00 bed time every night, and Dave has been keeping her up late so I can at least see her for a few min. before bed. And then I am still consumed in work on the weekends, so even when I am home with her, I cannot pay much attention to her because I am trying to get work done from home.
I am feeling horrible, because this is our last opportunity to provide Belle with individual attention, and she is just not getting it. I feel horrible that the next time she really gets to spend any quality time with me, there will be a new baby in the mix as well.
And although I am very aware of this fact, I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it. Because I simply cannot spend less time at work right now. I really do not even have the time I need before this baby is born to get everything done that needs to be done.
I realize family is my first priority and I want more than anything to make sure my family's needs are met. But I am torn as I am the main breadwinner in our family, and I have to provide financially for them as well. And sadly, the job that I have to provide those financial needs is requiring more of my time and energy than is ideal.
I truly hope that my little miss Isabelle knows how much I truly love her. And I hope that she will be able to adjust well to a new child in our family come next week. And I hope that she will forgive me for being such an absent mother in her early life. I cannot believe she is 3 already, and I feel like I have had to miss out on much of her first three years. My heart aches that I never had that one-on-one bonding time with my little girl while she was the only child.
