I don't have a title for this post and not sure where it's going, so maybe by the time I get to the end, I will figure it out. I just know that I've neglected this blog that I promised to get back into ... and yet, here I am, more than two months later, with no updates . . .
. . . That, folks, is the story of my life right now: well-meaning intentions of getting so many things done, and yet, having no time, no energy, and/or no money to get them done. Maybe some day I will learn how to set realistic expectations for myself - just another goal of mine that I probably won't accomplish. (Oh, the never-ending cycle.)
Nevertheless, I will move forward with my goal of writing and I will continue on with this post.
As you may remember from my last post, I expressed my excitement to be entering this new world of medication to help treat anxiety with my daughter. All that I said is true, and I am glad I re-read it for my own good - to remember the positive experiences that we have had since starting the meds. However, I think this entry is going to bring me right back to the realities of mental illness - more specifically, the reality that it is not "fixed" quite as easily as just taking a pill.
I feel like the first weeks after starting medication, we had this amazing opportunity to experience what life is like without a debilitating mental illness in our second grader. However, I almost feel like we were in a stage of "euphoria," if you will. It was only a matter of time before her body became accustomed to this new medication, and the realities of anxiety came back to remind us that this will be a life-long battle. This is a fight that Belle will have to fight every day - some days she'll have to fight harder than others, and some days she might be blessed to feel like there isn't a need to fight - but the fact remains that her anxiety did not and will not just disappear with the swallowing of a pill every morning. The challenges of the disease might be made a little easier, and she will feel more capable of taking on those challenges, but they will still be there. The hurdles won't disappear, but she now has a tool to help her build enough strength and endurance to get over those hurdles. So the fact remains that even though we don't have a magical pill to make our problems disappear, I am still grateful for the one we have to help us face them.
As we continue to work on navigating this world of mental illness with our 7 year-old, it is becoming more and more apparent that we are just beginning a life-long process of facing this mortal challenge with not only Belle, but with our younger two children as well. Some days, it feels beyond overwhelming and I feel overcome with defeat. Facing the challenges every single day of kids melting down because their socks and shoes don't feel right, seeing the tears in their eyes as they fight leaving the house and going to school because it just feels too hard that day (every day), dealing with headaches and tummy aches when the stress is too much for them (and for me), and trying to coach them to breathe when the anxiety becomes so much that their body goes into panic mode - it is daunting, it is exhausting, and some days I feel like I cannot keep going. I can't keep doing this.
The thought of doing this for the next lifetime makes me want to crawl under a rock (or really into my comfy bed, under the comforting heavy-weight of my covers, in a dark, quiet room) and never come out. I feel like I am not the person to do this. I am nowhere close to patient enough, nor am I smart enough, strong enough, or healthy enough to fight these challenges every day. I keep thinking to myself, I AM NOT QUALIFIED for this job. I am not qualified to be the mother of these kids and to help them become the best people they can.
Luckily, there are days like today, when I am reminded that although it is true - I am not qualified - I have a Savior who is qualified and who is there to help carry me through my burdens. And although my family is faced with this challenge, it is part of our mortal journey, that if faced with faith and endurance, will teach us, will strengthen us, and will make us better. This thing that makes us feel so far away from perfection can actually be something that brings us closer to perfection if we allow it to. So we will keep on with our fight. I will keep trying to be the mom I need to be. And I will keep praying and hoping that I can somehow help my children turn this challenge into something good. We will work to allow our Savior to help us transform our weaknesses into strengths.
Although our daily pill is not a magic one that has solved all our problems, we will remember that it is just one of the blessings made available to us to help lighten our burdens a little. I hope and pray for others who are facing their own challenges - whether they be a mental illness, a physical challenge, or a financial burden - will, too, be able to find the blessings provided to them to help lighten their load. I hope they, too, will be able to turn to their Savior, to feel the enabling, redeeming, strengthening, and comforting powers of His atonement in their own life.
I am grateful for days like today, and the opportunity to hear from our Prophet and the Lord's apostles, to provide enlightenment and reminders that I can do this. We can do this. We can keep on with the fight.
https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng
