From a working mom . . .

I have been wanting to write a post for a few days now about some of my recent thoughts and feelings on being a working mom, but of course, being a working mom, I've been sooooooo busy and so tired that I haven't gotten to it yet. :) Well, hopefully, I'll be able to remember all the thoughts I've been wanting to share to get them into this post.

On occasion the topic of working mom vs. stay-at-home mom comes up in church meetings, with co-workers, with friends, and with family. When the conversation comes up, I know that many times, judgement comes into play as well. I have heard stay-at-home moms often feel judged by working moms, and vice-versa. Which, honestly, I think is sad. It is sad that anyone would judge another on such intimate and personal decisions and sacrifices another family and person makes. I will admit that there have been few times where I have felt judged by another person for my decision to be a working mom, but I normally don't let it bother me, because I know that they do not understand my family's situation and they do not understand our needs and motivations. For the most part though, I feel like I am surrounded by supportive friends, family, ward members, and co-workers, so I haven't felt that "judgment" very harshly or fully in my own life.

For some reason though, I feel like I have grown a little more sensitive to the views of other people and I have felt an increase in being "judged" by others. It could be that I am expecting my second child and I am getting questioned about my work more often, and it could also be that I am pregnant, and more hormonal, and therefore just more sensitive than I usually am. No matter the reason, it has caused me to think a lot about the debatable topic.

I still don't feel like I really allow myself to get offended by others, because I feel like when it comes down to it, I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings toward working moms that stay-at-home moms have, so I understand where they are coming from. It just so happens to be that I am in a different situation than they are, so I also know that their view might be a little bit more limited than mine (as mine is also more limited than theirs in a different way).

If there is one thing before anything else that I would like EVERYONE to know and understand about me, it is that I LOVE my family more than anything in this world. I love my children more than I could ever express to anyone in words, and I would do ANYTHING for them. I know and understand the divinity and sanctity of my calling as a mother, and I take it very seriously. I do ache to be able to spend more time at home with my little Belle and I ache to be able to spend more time at home when our new baby girl is born. I want them to know how much I love them; I want to be involved in all aspects of their growth and development; and I want to teach them their numbers and letters; I want to teach them to say please and thank you; I want to teach them about life; I want to take them to swim and dance lessons. In fact I want all those things so badly, that I make sure to do everything I can to keep as much involvement as possible in their lives. When I am not at work, I try to be with my daughter as much as I can. I do not involve myself in other hobbies or girl's nights, I rarely go out by myself (unless it is after she is in bed), and sadly, my husband and I do not even go out alone very often. And I am okay with those things, because I want to spend every possible spare moment with my kids as I can. I want to be involved in their lives as much as I can. I want my little Isabelle to know that even though I have to leave her every morning so I can go to work, that she is still going to get as much love and attention from me as I can possibly give her. I do not take my calling as a mother lightly, and I do not disregard the importance of my role in any way, shape, or form. And I am saddened if any stay-at-home mom thinks otherwise of working moms.

Another misconception that even I was guilty of before I was married that I would like to clear up, is that my husband is not lazy, and it's not as easy as him just "getting a job," and he does not take my working for granted in any way. Our situation is purely the result of LIFE. Everyone's life is different and everyone has different challenges handed to them. I work so that we can improve our life and try to overcome the challenges that we have encountered. I am working to support my husband through school as he has made a total career change from when we first married, including changing his major. Additionally, I am supporting him in his entrepreneurship goals as he has started his own business. For those who have started businesses before know that it is hard and takes a lot of work. It is especially hard when you are trying to do it while in school full time and being the main care-giver of a toddler. But he continues to work hard and has worked to grow the business and see things through. It has been a slow process, but a sure process. And he is doing all that he can to be the best husband, father, and provider he can be for our family.

I do know that many working moms do choose to work when financially they do not have to, and I am definitely not one to judge them for their choices, because maybe being a working mom makes them a better mom to their kids. I understand that there are different reasons for everybody for their life situation and for their choices. All that I hope and wish of them is that they are using prayer in their decisions and considering the needs of their families. If they are involving Heavenly Father in their decisions and keeping the needs of their family as #1, then I trust the choices they make are what is best for them, and that is all that matters.

Although there are many moms who "choose" to work, I'm sure it is no secret to most that my first choice would be to stay at home with my kids. However, I have made the choice to work outside the home for now  because ultimately, it is the BEST decision for my family at the moment. I value work, I value self-reliance, and I value partnership in a marriage and I want to teach my children those principles. If I were not working right now, I would not be living those principles and would therefore not be teaching them.

Work is usually not easy, and it always requires sacrifice, but it is an eternal principle. I want my children to learn to be hard workers. I also want them to appreciate any opportunity they are given to work (as there are so many people who would do anything to find a job). And I want them to know that work is and essential part of a healthy and fulfilling life. I work hard to EARN an income to help provide for my family, and I would not want our food and shelter and clothing provided to us in any other way. I want to do everything I possibly can to deserve the blessings we receive.

Which leads me the principle of self-reliance. Although many times there are legitimate needs for charities, donations, welfare, and outside support, I am lucky enough to be blessed with a job that allows us to bring in money to provide for ourselves. As long as I am able to be self-reliant, I will. I would never choose to put my family in a situation that we would require financial support from welfare programs. (Yet again, I do want to emphasize, there are times when that NEED is legitimate, and I would accept the support if it every became a NEED for us).

And of course as I mentioned I value MARRIAGE and the partnership that a true marriage is. I feel like I am fulfilling my role as a partner to my husband right now, by supporting him in his goals to finish school and to grow his business. I am supporting him by helping to provide financial support to our family. With the same regard, he is valuing our partnership by increasing his responsibilities in the home and caring for our daughter when he can at home, helping to keep our home clean, and making meals when needed (even though, he too, is incredibly busy with life outside the home). We are both trying to do our part in any way we can to make sure ALL of our family's needs are met - that they are getting the love and nurturing that they need, as well as the the food, shelter, and clothing that they need.

So if anyone out there is wondering why I am working, hopefully, now you know.

Along with everything else that I have rambled on about tonight, I want to make sure others understand that I know ANY true mother is going to make sacrifices to be the best wife and mom she can be. I know that many stay-at-home moms are making sacrifices to be at home - they might be sacrificing a cushier lifestyle or sacrificing their own enjoyment in working or progression in a great career. For heaven's sake, all stay-at-home moms are sacrificing a little bit of their sanity. Just as they are making sacrifices, so are working mothers. Working moms are sacrificing precious time with their young children. If they are like me, they are sacrificing order in the home (because my my home is definitely not always in the state I would like it to be). They are sacrificing "play-dates" with other moms, their chance to take their child to swim lessons in the summer, going on field trips with their elementary kids, or being a classroom mom.

No matter which situation we are in - at home full-time, working part-time, working full-time, or working over-time, we are all making sacrifices somewhere. But isn't that what moms do - we make sacrifices. Although your sacrifices might be different than mine, the intention is still the same and the love is still the same. We are being mothers.

My Beautiful Belle

In addition to posting about the recent events of our hospital stay, I also wanted to post about our beautiful daughter who means so much to me. Honestly, when I first heard I would be on bed rest in the hospital, before all the stresses of work and things to do at home set in, my first thought was how I would handle being away from my cute girl and how she would handle everything. I was so worried about her and so sad to have such a tough experience for her - for her mommy to be in the hospital for so long, and then by the time I'd finally be able to come home, she would have a new sister in the world (most likely in the NICU) requiring so much attention from us. My heart was hurting for my poor girl.

After things had calmed down that night, Dave left for a bit to go to the house to gather some of my belongings as well as get Belle in her pj's and ready for bed (to sleep at the neighbors). He said as soon as he knocked on their door, Belle came running out of their house, into ours, and into our kitchen looking for me. When I wasn't there, she sat on the kitchen floor, pouting, asking for Mommy. Hearing the story broke my heart.

The next day, my mother-in-law brought Belle to the hospital to see me. I think when she came in the room, she was in a bit of shock and didn't know what to think about me laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines. At first she didn't want to sit by me or really have much to do with me at all. Eventually, she started to warm up and came and laid in the bed next to me while she played games on my cell phone. After an hour or two at the hospital, Belle was growing tired, so Grandma took her home for a nap.

However, shortly after that, I was released from the hospital, and we came straight home. I could hear Belle crying upstairs in her bed asking for her mommy, and again, it broke my heart. I immediately went upstairs to see her with her Grandma laying in her bed next to her trying to comfort her. I went over to give her hugs and kisses, and she told me, "I was crying for you Mommy. I was sad because I don't want you to be in the hospital." Her tender little voice just made my heart melt. I was SOOOOOO glad to be home with my little girl and to have the blessing of more time with her. My mother-in-law told me that from the time they left the hospital, she just kept crying for me. I am so glad that Heavenly Father answered my little girl's prayers to let me come home.

Along with many other lessons that I learned during this rare sequence of events, I was reminded of the incredible love I have for my little girl. And I was reminded how much her life is about to change too, and that I need to be here for her. I am so glad that we still have a couple months to spend time with one another and to allow our bond to grow before we introduce her sister into our family.

Isabelle is such a special person and has been blessed with such a tender heart and great concern for those around her, especially those she loves. We are truly so lucky to have been blessed with such an incredible daughter, and I am so glad she is in our lives.

Our emotional roller coaster that ended in a miracle

I am currently exhausted, but my mind cannot rest and I am bored of TV at the moment, so I figured I would try to document the recent events from last night and this morning to try and answer any and all questions left in heads from my Facebook posts, and also just to document everything that happened for us.  Last night after work, Dave, and Belle and I met up at Target after I got off work for a quick shopping trip to buy some groceries for dinner. We got home and before we were even able to get our groceries put away, the unexpected happened. Of course, being pregnant, my first stop after walking in the door was the bathroom to empty my tiny bladder. Within seconds of standing up, I felt a gush of fluid, and everything happened identically to when my water broke with Belle (of course she was at full-term). At first, I just thought, this can't be possible, my water couldn't have broken, it must be something else. So I stood there for a minute in shock and trying to figure what else could have possibly happened. But I decided that there is no way I was mistaken, my pants had immediately been soaked in fluid and the fluid continued to come out.  Dave rushed to try and throw what groceries he could in the fridge, as I debated whether or not I had time to pack a bag for Belle and a hospital bag for myself, but being that I am not quite 28 weeks and my baby is so tiny, I didn't know how much time we had, so we decided to just leave. We took Belle to our next door neighbors', and we headed to Orem Community Hospital (which is the only IHC hospital my OBGYN goes to).  When we walked in we told them we were pretty sure my water had broken and I was only 27 weeks. They asked why I went there, because if that was the case, I would need to be transferred to UVRMC to have use of their NICU. Well, of course, my doctor's office never told me what I needed to do in the event of preterm labor. So I was just praying that I was in fact mistaken and my water hadn't broken. They tested for amniotic fluid, and it came back positive; they also checked my cervix which was dilated to about a 1. So they did everything they could to prep me to transfer hospitals and called the ambulance. Within about 30-40 minutes, the ambulance was there and I was on my way to UVRMC. By that point, my contractions were growing stronger and were consistently about 1 minute apart. I started to worry that I might not make it to the hospital, and I think my EMT was a bit worried as well. He had the driver drive at a 3 (which I guess is their faster speed). It was quite the experience and during that short ride from one hospital to the other, my mind was just consumed with what was going to happen with me, and with my baby. I was in total shock of all that was going on and didn't know quite how to process everything. 


They got me to UVRMC and immediately had nurses working with me. They gave me medicine to slow my contractions, which helped spread them to about 2 minutes apart (and eventually after my second dose of meds, they began to spread further apart and less intense). Since my contractions were so close together, they gave me steroids and antibiotics right away. Normally, the steroid shot (which they give two of), they give 24 hours apart, but decided to give mine only 12 hours apart due to the regularity and intensity of my contractions (they did not want to check my cervix again, because they didn't want to cause any cervical progression, they wanted to leave it alone as much as possible). 


I still didn't really know what was exactly going on, because it was such a whirlwind, and the nurses were trying to educate me between getting me prepped for everything. During one of the "educational moments," my nurse told me that their goal was to get me to 34 weeks before delivery and that I would be in the hospital until then. For some reason, I thought they'd put me on bedrest and send me home (I'm obviously not well educated in preterm labor). So when I was told I'd be in that hospital until baby came (for hopefully 6 weeks), the anxiety set in. I immediately started to worry about Belle and how she would handle everything and the fact that the next time I'd be at home with her, she would not be the only child, and what a difficult transition it would be for us both. I worried about work (as it is literally probably the WORST time in my last 4 years of employment for me to not be there), and of course I worried about our precious baby girl and how little she would be and if she'd survive through everything, and how we'd get through it all. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for ANY of this, and I was definitely not prepared with my home life and work life. It was just all so much for me to take in, that I'd go from moments of peace to moments of panic. However, surprisingly, I feel like I had greater moments of peace than panic. I definitely thank my Heavenly Father for those peaceful moments. 


My parents drove down from Syracuse to see me (because when we first called them, my contractions were so close, we didn't know what was going to happen). By the time they arrived, things had calmed down a bit, and I was stable and baby was stable, and we had met with the doctor and things felt a little better. After my dad arrived, he and Dave administered a priesthood blessing for me and our baby. My sisters eventually came to see me as well, and we were able to visit for awhile, which was nice to have the family support and a distraction from everything going on. Eventually, they all went home, and I attempted to sleep, which didn't really happen much with all the monitors, the IV, and leg compressors I was hooked up to. My contractions continued through the night, but they definitely decreased in intensity, which helped a lot. 


By morning, I had noticed that I didn't really feel like I was leaking fluid anymore, and wondered if in fact, I had been leaking it the whole time. Then once I stood up to get ready for the morning, I could feel a little bit of leaking (but no gushing) so I figured it was still happening, but just at a slower rate. However, after being up, it seemed all leaking had stopped (which was kind of weird, but I figured maybe it's just cuz I was sitting or laying down the whole time). At about 10ish, they took me to the neonatal unit for an ultrasound and to meet with a neonatalogist. The ultrasound was looking good, and the sonographer seemed quite surprised at the level of amniotic fluid I still had considering a rupture. So the neonatalogist came in to look at things. She decided that she would repeat the test for amniotic fluid plus send it to the lab for an amniosure (??) test for a more thorough result. Surprisingly, ALL of my tests came back negative. Everyone was slightly baffled, and the doctor had a few different possibilities to explain everything, although nothing could be certain. But based on everything, it seems the most likely thing that happened is I did have a small tear that ended up healing itself. She said that is EXTREMELY rare, but possible. Normally when it happens, it is because the tear is caused by an external source, like a needle going into the sac for an amniocentesis. So it is really rare, that I would naturally have such a small tear on my own. Although rare and surprising, we can't really come up with another explanation besides a pure miracle. 


I keep questioning everything that happened and wondering if I was just making everything up in my head, because I just can't imagine that the Lord would bless me with such an incredible miracle. It would just make more sense to me that I imagined it all. But then I think back on everything, and I cannot deny any of it. I cannot deny the gush of fluid, I cannot deny the original test done, I cannot deny the onset of close contractions. And when I look back at it all, I am still kind of in awe that we would be sooooooo blessed for everything to be suddenly better. I think of all the other moms who experience  a pre-term rupture, and who do not get lucky like we did. And I don't know why we were chosen to receive this incredible blessing. I don't know if the Lord needed us to learn some lessons (which I do feel like I have learned a lot over the last 24 hours with everything that went on); or if it just simply was definitely not this baby girl's time to come to this earth. I can't explain any of it, and I don't know that I will ever know the reason behind everything. All I now is that the Lord has taught me a lot. And I know that I cannot even express the gratitude I feel for all that I have been given. 


The Lord has blessed our baby with more time to grow and develop. He has blessed me with more time to spend with Isabelle before our lives are drastically changed. And He has blessed us with the knowledge that we have SUCH immense support around us - incredible neighbors and ward members who are willing to step in at any time to help us, which is so humbling to me. More than anything, He has blessed us with an opportunity to strengthen our testimonies in the power of prayer and the power of the priesthood. I don't think I have ever had a more real personal experience in my life where I have seen the direct and immediate blessings of both. And I feel undeserving of this experience as I feel like I lack so much faith to be able to be given such blessings. However, I am grateful. I pray that we continue to be blessed with time for our baby to grow and develop. And I pray that our Heavenly Father will know how truly grateful we are. 

Good News and Relief!

I just wanted to make sure to post that things are looking better with our baby girl. The fluid that they saw last time in the gallbladder and bowels was no longer there. She still has fluid in her kidneys, but they are not dilated enough to a point that they are worried. We will go for another ultrasound when I am 34 weeks and take a look at the kidneys again. So we were VERY relieved after our appointment yesterday. I know we had a lot of prayers said for us and fasting, and they worked! Thank you everyone for your love and concern.

A few updates and a little reflection - my dad, our baby, and life

I apologize as this post may turn out to be ultra long and possibly picture-less. I still need to upload some photos to my computer, and I'm too lazy to do it at the moment, so if I get to it, I will add pictures later.

Life has been so crazy-busy lately, that I feel like there is hardly any time for things like blogging, so I apologize for my lack of posts for the last while. I mostly want to apologize to myself for it, as my blog has been serving as a journal for me, and I have neglected to keep it updated. However, right now, Dave is playing basketball, Belle is in bed, and my uterus hurts too much for me to continue the laundry I started, so I thought now might be a good time for me to try and jot down some updates and thoughts. Hopefully I will be able to get through it all.

I feel like the last little while, life has presented Dave and I with many opportunities for reflection on life, the gospel, the plan of salvation and the many blessings we have been given. Although some of these opportunities have come in the way of trials, I am still grateful for them. I am grateful for the chances our Heavenly Father gives us to learn and grow and to pause from the chaos of every day to reflect on the things that truly matter to us.

I think I will begin with these moments of reflection in chronological order.

My Dad
In mid-march, after quite a few months of pain, and doctor's appointments, and tests, my dad was diagnosed with cancer - non-hodgkins lymphoma. During the days leading up to (and the days following) his final diagnosis, my mind was consumed with so many different thoughts and worries, and my emotions were on a roller-coaster (and I'm sure being pregnant did not help at all with that). Although a very emotionally difficult time, it was and is a growing time for me and for my family. When we were waiting for some of the final test results, I remember praying so hard to my Heavenly Father. I prayed for peace and comfort for my mom and dad, and I prayed for peace for me. And immediately, I felt that peace. I don't think I have ever experienced such an immediate answer to my prayers as I did with that prayer. It was incredible. I did not know and still don't know what the outcome is going to be with this nasty cancer. However, I know that I have already witnessed blessings from it and I have been able to feel my Heavenly Father's love and watchful eye throughout the process. I have felt individual attention from him given to me and to my family - which is something I don't think I have truly experienced before, but I definitely know I can feel it now.

Our baby
It is interesting to me think about how different things have been for me during this pregnancy as opposed to my pregnancy with Belle. I have definitely paid a lot less attention to all the little details of pregnancy - I'm not reading every possible book and article I can about pregnancy and the development of the baby, and I am not nearly as stressed about being "prepared for baby" with a crib, and bedding, and clothing, etc, etc. Sometimes I even feel like a little bit of a negligent mother to my unborn child, because she does not get nearly the amount of mental attention as Belle did. However, I feel like I am more grateful for this pregnancy this time around. Don't get me wrong, I was incredibly grateful to be pregnant with Belle when I was, but I feel like this time I'm more aware of the true miracle life is. I think part of that might have to do with the fact that I am already a mom this time around. And I think once you have a child (as with any step in eternal progression - baptism, temple, marriage), your gain an even greater eternal perspective. Having the perspective of a mother and knowing the blessings and joy of motherhood first hand has increased my appreciation for the blessing of being able to grow my family.

Although I don't really want to admit it, I am going to admit that when I was pregnant with Belle and even after she was first born, I did not feel that "motherly" connection with her right away. Obviously, I loved her from the beginning, and I would have been devastated had I lost her or experienced complications, but I didn't feel that "special bond" that I know many pregnant women feel, and I always felt sad about it. However, this time around -- again, coming with the perspective of a mother, and having experienced motherhood now, I have been able to feel a very deep bond and love for this girl already, and that love grows every day. And I know that I love this baby girl with all my heart, no matter what road we will take as her parents and family.

With that being said, my heart worries for her. We go in for yet another ultrasound tomorrow (I think this will be the 6th or 7th) to determine whether or not we will need to see a pareonatologist. At our 20 week ultrasound (which we actually had a little early) where they look at all the organs and such, they noticed some fluid in her kidneys, which can be somewhat common, so they set up another ultrasound 4 weeks later just to check up on them, with hopes that things would have resolved and the kidneys would be back to normal. At that ultrasound, her kidneys had dilated even more, and this time they noticed additional swelling in her gallbladder and bowels. So tomorrow, we will go in for another ultrasound with a better machine to see if there continues to be swelling. If so, I will then go to a pareonatologist and go from there.

We have really tried not to stress too much over the situation because 1) the doctor told us not to worry about it too much at this point, and 2) there isn't really anything we could do anyway to change the situation. However, I am a mom, and I still worry. I worry about what the outcome of all of this could be, because at this point, I don't really know what it all means. As we have gotten closer and closer to this next ultrasound - tomorrow, I have worried more and more, but at the same time, I have also felt peace about things because I know that no matter what happens, I LOVE this baby and I will love her no matter what happens. And I know that Heavenly Father has blessed us with the chance to give her a physical body and bring her into our family. Really, beyond that, nothing else matters. No physical limitations can change the love we have to offer her.

Life
Even during the midst of trials we have experienced and are experiencing (which I know are minimal compared to so many others), Dave and I have been so lucky to witness incredible blessings from above. Really, it is my incredible husband, who is the first one to acknowledge these blessings, and to thank our Heavenly Father for the things we have been given, and for that I am grateful. I am so grateful to have a husband who can so easily see the Lord's hand in all things, and who always knows that our successes and joys come directly from Heavenly Father. And I am grateful that during our last 6 years of marriage, that have definitely not been easy for us, especially with the financial and emotional challenges of unemployment and trying to get through school, Dave has never once lost hope or faith. When I have been the weak one and reach a point where I just want to give up and I ask what the purpose of trying even is anymore, he has continued to stay strong and to push forward with faith. I know we still have a long way to go, but if it weren't for Dave's faith and endurance, I know we would be even further behind than we are now and I don't think we would be receiving the blessings that we are. I have grown even more grateful recently for the partnership of marriage and the blessing of family. It is more apparent to me every day why the central part of Heavenly Father's plan is families. And I am so grateful that I have been blessed with such an incredible family - wonderful parents and siblings, a faithful husband, and a beautiful daughter, and of course great and supportive in-laws. I am one blessed woman.

We Love Little Girls!

I am obviously super behind on some blog posts. In fact, it's been almost 14 weeks since I last posted. Why do I know that? Well, because tomorrow, it will have been 14 weeks since we underwent our first round of intrauterine insemination. That may be a little more information than many of you would like, but I am sharing it anyway. :)

Obviously, as I discussed in my last post, we had been trying to get pregnant for some time, and started on some clomid and decided to give intrauterine insemination (IUI) a try. Our doctor made sure we were well aware that we would have about a 20% chance of experiencing success with the first round. After everything else we had already tried, I honestly was planning on a longer road of infertility ahead of us. After all, I knew I had endometriosis, and after an HSG a few months prior, I knew that my tubes had been closed up, and the doctor told us there was a definite possibility that I could have problems with my tubes and we just wouldn't know until we went through a few rounds of the IUI. 

Well, we were pleasantly surprised when we found out on my birthday that we were expecting baby #2! 

With that being said, we are now very excited to know that Belle will be getting a baby SISTER the end of August.

Just a few of my thoughts on infertility

So, I have obviously made it no secret that Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant (for the last 20 months to be exact). I realize in the grand scheme of things, 20 months is not that long, and overall, I have been okay with things - disappointed at times, but okay. However, the last couple of months have been slightly more difficult for me than the past, and we have sought better fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist. With that, my thoughts and emotions regarding the situation have seemed to be almost non-stop.

I have been meaning to share some of those thoughts and feelings, but have been too busy. So hopefully, I can remember everything that has gone through my head and attempt to make some sense of it. Please note that these thoughts have no order to them.

• One of my greatest challenges with everything has been the fact that I have no control . It has been a true lesson to me that God is in control, and that I have to trust in His plans for me, and His timing. I am a definite control freak, I won't deny it. It has become more and more apparent to me over time. I stress greatly when I feel like I'm not in control of things (it is really not healthy). And being a control freak, I am a planner. I need to have things planned out in detail, and when things don't go according to plan, I panic. The weird thing about it is, I learned a few years ago that life doesn't usually go according to my plans (with Dave's job layoffs and changes in career, etc). And I feel like I have become a lot more relaxed about allowing our life's hurdles to happen. But for some reason, it has been harder for me to not have control of this life hurdle. I had a plan, and I was bound and determined to make sure that plan worked out. At first my plan was to have another summer baby to be two years younger than Belle. When that plan didn't work out, I figured I could adjust, and I would do everything in my power to have a baby by this coming summer and they would be three years apart. But I absolutely could NOT allow for a gap greater than three years between the two kids. I want Belle to be close to her sibling(s); I want them to be friends and have a special bond. And I wanted a summer baby because it is perfect timing for a few reasons: 1) My mom is a school teacher, and summer is an easier time for her to help with the baby; and 2) Belle is a summer baby, and if we were to have another girl, I could re-use all of her clothes. 3) I don't want to have a baby during cold/flu season with increased risks of infections. 4) Well, I won't yet go into detail about the 4th reason yet, but there is a 4th reason (and I think it's a good reason). Even though we have been trying for so long, my ultimate goal was to be pregnant by November. I thought if I prayed hard enough, tried hard enough, was really consistent with all the details of trying, I could make it happen. The months that I was really focused on getting a pregnancy test - September, then October, and then November were disappointing and difficult as they came and went with no positive result. My perfect plan was suddenly ruined. The lesson is infertility is not easy for type-A personalities. . . . and I guess more importantly it is to learn to trust in the Lord's timing. 
• So a brief history about me, and my experience with infertility in general. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Basically from that time, my doctors have told me that the best cure for endometriosis is pregnancy and child birth, but to also know, it could cause complications in getting pregnant, so they encouraged me that as soon as I was able, I should have children. Basically, I was told not to prolong having children. Again, with the Lord's timing, there is only so much control I can have over that. ;) That being said, I have kind of mentally prepared myself since I was a teenager for challenges in getting pregnant. So as you can imagine, when I got pregnant the first time, after only 3 months of trying, I was surprised. And then when we got pregnant with Belle after about 7 months of trying, again, I was surprised. At that time, I thought, maybe I will not face these challenges that I have tried to prepare myself for. And I almost felt guilty about it. I felt guilty because I had close friends and many aqcuaintances whom I knew were struggling with the battle of infertility. And I felt guilty that I was not. After all, it was something that I had prepared for, and that maybe they had not. I felt guilty when I was pregnant, I felt guilty when I had a baby, and even still at times, I feel guilty knowing I have this beautiful little girl when I know so many other people are struggling and longing to have that same blessing. Maybe guilty isn't the right word. . . maybe undeserving. All that being said, I have still felt somewhat of an emotional connection and a love for those who do struggle with infertility. I have felt a desire to reach out to them and to be there for them, so I have tried to support them in thought and prayer. I have tried to engage myself in learning more about infertility and learning about people's struggles. As I have done so, I have read people's stories, and I have read about emotions they experience such as denial and shame. And I have always wondered why anyone would feel those emotions when dealing with infertility. Why would they face denial about something that is just a part of life and that so many other people deal with? Why would they feel shame about something they did not "do"? Infertility is not something anyone can control, so why would they feel shame about a simple medical condition (if you will)? And another question that I came across - why would anyone feel shame about fertility treatment? Why would they feel guilty about seeking out treatment? These were questions that I thought were simple, and I didn't think people had REASON for those feelings. Now that I have been dealing with it for a short time, I understand . . . 
• Although we had been trying to get pregnant for about 18 months when I scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic, I didn't consider us as dealing with "infertility." We were just having a hard time getting pregnant. After meeting with the doctor, and he discussed my diagnosis of infertility with us, I left feeling all those things I had not previously understood. I realized that I was dealing with denial. How dare he say I was infertile? I'm not infertile. I've had a baby, and I've been pregnant twice. We were just simply experiencing some difficulties this time around. And I remember driving back to work after that appointment, and I remember having this weird feeling of shame come over me, or a feeling of being broken. What?!!!! I recognized I was feeling this, and I thought to myself, "Jenn, this is the feeling you know is not true!" Yet, I was feeling it, and I couldn't help it. I felt like something is wrong with me. My body is not the way it is supposed to be. It isn't working right. And I felt ashamed of it. And then the last couple of weeks, I have experienced the feeling of guilt with treatment. As I have begun fertility treatment, and all the science that goes into creating the miracle of a baby, I have felt guilty that I am agreeing to this "science." I feel like I am taking God's greatest power out of his hands and into my own. I have been consumed with the questions. Is this right? Is Heavenly Father disappointed in me? Am I doing something I shouldn't be? What if I am forcing something to happen that He doesn't want to happen? Am I forcing things to happen in what I want to be MY timing and not His timing? Even though, I have decided to move forward with treatment, I still have these questions looming in my mind. But fortunately, this afternoon, I was finally able to reach a feeling of comfort about it all. I know that Heavenly Father wants Dave and I to try and expand our family. I know that we have been living our life righteously and we have been trying to live as Heavenly Father would want us to live. Bringing another child into our home is a righteous desire, and fortunately for people like myself in this day and age, Heavenly Father has provided ways for infertile couples to bring to pass those righteous desires. Even with these thoughts and feelings of comfort, I will not deny that those questions of guilt have not dissipated. 
• Along with all my feelings of confusion, denial, shame, and guilt, I have of course been consumed with a feeling of fear. These treatments are difficult financially and emotionally, what if it doesn't work? What if I am more broken than we think? What if it is STILL not the Lord's time? Will I be able to handle the disappointment? Because I know it will be a disappointment multiplied ten-fold from what I have felt before. 

This road has been a somewhat long one, a hard one, and a disappointing one. I have a strong feeling that it will continue to be long, but I pray that I will be able to follow the examples of the many women I have watched struggle with this trial. I pray that I will be able to face it like them. And I pray that I will able to feel my Heavenly Father's hand in it all, and TRUST that He will remember me when it is time, as he once remembered Rachel.