I LOVE my girl!

Today started out as a bit of a hard one for me. First of all, it has just been an exhausting few weeks, and I pretty much had zero motivation to do anything. Second, it was yet another disappointing day in the fertility department. It's that time of month when I should be ovulating, but of course I am not. I have been working so hard to try and get my hormones balanced and I recently had a procedure done to open up my fallopian tubes, which caused a whole lot of problems, but then lead to some changes that made me hopeful that maybe things were on the up and up. I was REALLY hoping that my body was going back to normal, but I checked my lab results from yesterday, and things are only getting worse - not better. :( So I started my day a bit depressed and remained depressed for much of the day.

.... But then, Dave went to the BYU game and Belle and I had some girl time (which we have seemed to have a little more of lately) and although we missed Daddy, it was kind of nice to just hang out with each other. As we sat at the counter eating our $5 pizza, Belle was singing and talking and just being her cute self. And I just sat and watched her in amazement. She is SUCH a cute girl who is so full of life. I feel truly lucky to be her mom. As I watched her, I wondered, "Are all kids this cute?" Obviously, I'm biased and I just don't think anyone is as cute as she is. But honestly, sometimes I just think that she is such a special person with such a gift to brighten a person's day. And sometimes I really do wonder if all parents are as lucky as I am to have a child with the enthusiasm and happiness that Belle has.

For those few minutes that I watched her, I had a feeling of peace, and the thought that although I am not currently able to bring the blessing of another child into our home, I am so lucky to enjoy the blessing of having more one-on-one time with her. I am lucky to develop a closer relationship with her while she is our only child. I am lucky to enjoy her cute personality as much as I possibly can with my undivided attention.

I obviously still long for another child, and I long to provide the blessing of a sibling to Belle, but for now we will enjoy this special bonding time, and I will enjoy spoiling my only child.

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As I talked to Dave about all of this tonight, we talked about all the super cute things that Belle does, and I decided I need to write those cute things down so that I never forget them. So here are just a few of the cute things about my girl:

• She sings ALL the time and I love it. She loves learning new songs and she even loves making up her own songs. It is one of my favorite things to hear her when she is playing on her own and starts singing a song I have never taught her but that she has learned at daycare or nursery (such as "How much is that doggy in the window?"
• Common questions that we ask her, she now asks us. For instance, when we pull into our neighborhood, we will often ask, "Where are we Belle?" And she will say, "We're almost home!" Well, now she has turned it around and asks us, "Where are we?" And of course she does it in a little high pitched voice like we do (cuz we are silly grown-ups who talk to kids in high-pitched tones).
• She is so emotional about things and so sympathetic. When we get mad at the dogs, or she sees a sad child, or one of us is upset about something, she gets a little sad face, and talks in a sad voice, and will say things like, "Oooooh, are you hurt?" or "Ooooooooh, are you sad?"
• She LOVES babies and animals. She not only loves baby dolls, but she loves any person that is smaller than her, and she needs to be right by them giving them loves. She loves our own dogs as well as any others. And she LOVES kitty cats - so much that she cries when she has to leave them, and she continuously asks for us to get one.
• Yesterday, when we were all in the car, we were stopped at Geneva Road and University Parkway where they are doing construction, and for those who know that intersection, it is quite small right now, and it is scary if you are waiting to turn left off Geneva and there is a large truck or bus turning right off Parkway. Those large vehicles are making a very sharp turn and often come within inches of the cars. So last night, there were three UTA buses on their way to the hub, and I was cringing watching them turn and come so close to our car. Now every time we see a bus, she says, "Mommy, don't be scared," with such concern in her voice.
• She is such a girly girl, and has become girly at a much earlier age than I expected. She loves clothes, shoes, purses, nail polish, jewelry, etc. Last night AND tonight, she asked if we could go shopping for shoes for her (I am not lying, and I did not put the idea in her head). She has also become quite addicted to pink. So much so that when we were in Old Navy, I wanted her to try on a tan coat, and she refused and threw a fit because it was not pink.
• She loves to be tickled, she loves to giggle, and she loves to play with her mommy and daddy.
• She also loves to play with other kids. She often asks if we can go to the neighbor's house (any neighbor's house) so she can play with other kids or other dogs - just anyone else. (I'm not going to lie, this makes the infertility thing even harder on me because I want her to be able to have a sibling so bad).
• She loves to read books, she loves to be read to, and she loves to read books to her babies.
• She loves family hugs when Dave and I just squeeze her so tight between us. And she loves to snuggle (not all the time) and just smoosh her face and cheeks into ours.
• Tonight, when I was getting her ready for bed, I was about to change her diaper on the floor, and she pointed to her changing table and instructed, "Change me up there, don't change me on the floor." As if she is completely appalled that I have been changing her on the floor a lot lately.
• There is so much more, but this will be it for now. I will make a goal, however, to be better about writing these cute things down so I don't forget them.

Love my girl!

Turning Some Pages

I'm just going to lay it all out there for you. Many of you may be disappointed in me and my weaknesses, but I figure there is no use in pretending to be something I'm not.

Although at the time Dave and I met, and during our courtship, we were both pretty good about regular scripture study, once we got married, it got hard. With the changes of marriage and trying to develop a routine, we never got in the SOLID habit of regularly studying our scriptures together. We have had times when we do well, and more times when we don't do so well. Next week we will have been married five years, and sadly never have made it through the entire Book of Mormon as a couple.

.... BUT this is soon to change.

We have made it a firm goal to have daily scripture study with Belle, and then also as a couple. We have not been doing it long, but we have been consistent, and I have already been able to see the incredible blessings.

It is amazing and such a blessing to feel our relationship grow stronger within just a few short weeks. Adding regular scripture study has been such a small thing that has lead to such GREAT blessings. Our lives have not drastically changed, but we have grown closer as a couple, and I am grateful to have that little bit of added spiritual strength to our relationship. I look forward to seeing the continued blessings within our marriage and our family as we make this part of our daily routine.

under construction

I am attempting to revamp my blog, so please bear with me as I experiment and try to make changes. I want to make it more personal, more geared toward my family, and something that I can tolerate looking at.

As I read other people's blogs, I find myself envious of what they are able to accomplish with their blogging, and I want to accomplish the same things. I want to be able to put my blog into a book for my family each year and not be embarrassed by it. I think it will take some time to get it where I want it to be, but I hope I can get there.

I have grown increasingly disappointed in myself and the fact that I have not followed through with what was once my biggest hobby - writing. I want to rediscover my love for writing, and I want to provide a place where I can express myself freely and where I do it often.

So I am making a goal that I will dedicate more of my time to thinking, writing, and creating a journal for me and for my family.

LoVe ThEsE 2!!

"Frarajaca"

Some people may think that Belle is too old for us to still have a baby monitor in her room, but I don't know that I will ever want to take it out of her room.

I ABSOLUTELY love listening to my girl every single night as she talks to herself, reads to her baby dolls, and sings all sorts of little songs. Ever since she was a little baby, she has babbled herself to sleep, and I have always and will always love it.

Count Your Many Blessings

I know there have been many days that I have been down about life lately, but I just need to say that although life hasn't exactly turned out the way I had always hoped it would, I have so many blessings to be grateful for. And I want you to know, that I do see these many blessings EVERY day and I know that I am one very lucky girl.

During the last few days, my blessings have been made even more apparent, and I have been able to feel an abundance of gratitude for my Heavenly Father's love.

My most apparent and greatest blessing is that of my eternal family.

I have an INCREDIBLE husband who loves me so much that he is literally willing to do anything for me (which sometimes, I admit, I take advantage of, but I also take for granted.) He is supportive of me in every way possible, he serves me every day, he serves our neighbors, he serves his family, and he has such a great love for everyone. He is energetic, positive, and everything I need to keep me balanced. He loves our daughter more than anything and is the best daddy a little girl could ask for - he tickles her whenever she needs a good laugh, he does her hair (and quite well for a guy) when mommy doesn't have time, he lets her have a sip of diet coke when mommy isn't watching, he gets up with her when she is crying in the night, he reads stories to her each night before bed, and does everything he can to make sure she is taken care of.

And really, do I need to say anything about our little miss Belle? Her cute face just says it all. Her name really does suit her because she is a beautiful person in every way. Even at two years old, I can say she is beautiful. She may a bit crazy (and a bit two) at times, but she is also such a delight to be around . She is so full of life, and such a happy kid. She loves to have fun, she loves to make you smile, and she does it every day for us. Even though sharing with other kids can be a bit tough for her at times (I mean she is a 2-year-old), she is ALWAYS willing to share with Mommy and Daddy, and she always insists on sharing. She can never have a treat or a meal without giving a little to Mommy, and Daddy, and even Emmy and Porter. She shows sooooo much love for such a little person. She loves her baby dolls, she loves our dogs, and she loves us. And she loves to show it with hugs and kisses. If one of us trips or says, "Dang-it" or "ouch" she is quick to ask us if we are okay. If the dogs are pouting because we got angry with them or put them in the kennel, she is so concerned for them and wants to help them. She takes such good care of her baby dolls and tells them all the time to be careful. I could go on and on. She just says and does so many cute things. We love her so much and are so glad to have her in our lives.

I also have great parents and siblings, but in this week, I feel especially grateful for my sisters. I am so lucky to have such great sisters. The other day, I was on the verge of the breakdown. It was just one of those days (which I've been having a lot of lately) when I realized that I am almost thirty and I am so not where I wanted to be in life. I just got down about life. And there were my two little sisters on Google Chat, so quick to cheer me up. They helped to remind me that life really isn't so bad, and I do have a good life. They were there to give me the moral support I needed right when I needed it. I am so lucky to have such great sisters who love me so much, who set such good examples for me, and who remind me why life is good.

The best part of all this, is that these great people are my family for ETERNITY. I am so grateful that my parents were sealed in the temple and have continued to live their lives worthy of those eternal blessings. And I am sincerely happy and grateful that Dave and I have been sealed to each other and our children for FOREVER. I honestly could not imagine my life without them. I could not imagine being happy without them. I am so glad to know that if we continually strive to live righteously that we will be able to spend not only the rest of our mortality together but the rest of our eternity together. Oh how lucky and truly, truly blessed I am.

Pushing Through

I'm not gonna lie, life has been hard lately.

I don't think there is anything specific that has made it harder than usual, I think I'm just simply wearing down and I'm finding it hard to muster up the energy and determination to keep on plugging along.

It is probably no big secret to most, but more than anything, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom (or even a part-time working mom - I'd take that too). Obviously, our life has just not worked out to where I can be home. And really, I have been okay with it for the most part. I have a good job and I really enjoy what I do and it has worked out for us. Of course there are still times it is hard and I get down a little, but I can usually kick myself back into gear within a few short days and keep on going. For some reason, it is not working out that way this time around.

I feel like every day, my heart hurts just a little more and my spirit sinks just a little deeper, and I can't get myself out of this wallowing of self-pity. I am definitely not a fan of the "poor me" attitude, so I try to just push myself out of it, and it is just not working. What is wrong with me? I need some help here people. I know that there are millions of other working moms out there, and they can do it. So why can't I? Why can't I seem to make everything work? Why can't I enjoy a productive day at work, then come home and cook some dinner, clean up the house, and spend time with my family and do it all again the next day with a smile on my face? It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to me, but it is.

I feel like an awful mother and wife. My house is ALWAYS a mess, I NEVER cook, and I hardly have the energy to provide the love and attention my family needs each day. I am going to be honest, I've been a total grump lately. My thyroid and hormones are totally out of whack, and I've been trying to adjust my hormone levels to help make me a sane person (and a fertile woman), but it just seems to be making things worse. I feel so bad for my husband and daughter because I am just no fun to be around. I wish I could just somehow force myself the person I need to be and want to be.

.... have you heard enough of my complaints yet?

The fortunate thing in all this, is that I have the gospel. And I have been able to find small glimmers of hope that I will be able to pull through this. Let me just share three things that are helping me to keep pushing.

1) I recently flew to Denver for a short 1 day trip to a conference for work. On my way there, I decided to read some conference talks. One of the talks I happened to read was my Russel M. Nelson called "Face the Future with Faith." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/face-the-future-with-faith?lang=eng Quite fitting for my needs right now, don't you think? Not only did the words of this talk from one of our modern day prophets help me, but the knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves us so much to provide us with prophets to share the very words we need to hear reminds me that I am not alone and I have a support system to help me face my challenges.

2) On my flight back from Denver, I just stared out the window as we flew into the Salt Lake Valley. And I looked at all the little houses, and little neighborhoods, and little cars driving. I always love looking out the window as I fly and get a different perspective of the world. This time was a little different though. This time, I was looking over Provo and Orem, where I have spent the last seven years of my life, and I was picking out all the various landmarks and figuring where things were located. I was looking at this valley where I spend my every day life from a much different perspective. It made me think about "the bigger" picture. And I just kept thinking how small and insignificant everything seemed from that view, but yet how inside of every one of those homes there was a family probably facing their own very "big" trials and challenges. I thought about how narrow-minded I am each and every day as I go about life and focus so much on how things are affecting ME. Yet so many of those things that I am focused on are so small and so insignificant compared to what really matters. This time right now is so small compared to eternity. So the things that I should be focusing on are the things that affect my eternity. When I look at it that way, my problems just don't seem so big anymore.

3) Today was a combined lesson for Young Men and Young Women. Brother Moore, who happens to be a seminary teacher, is the person who taught the lesson. He was talking about remember who WE are and BEING children of God. One of the scriptures he shared was yet again something I needed to hear. He had us read in Romans, chapter 8. http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/rom/8?lang=eng Verses 17 and 18 are just what I needed. They state:

17And if children, then heirs; ^aheirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we ^bsuffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

18For I reckon that the ^asufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the ^bglory which shall be revealed ^cin us.

I am sure I have read these verses time and time again. Yet today is when I REALLY needed them. What amazing words. I am a joint heir with Christ, and my sufferings that I am facing now are not even worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed IN ME.

If I can continue to have the patience to endure and have the faith to keep moving forward, hopefully I will be able to just keep pushing through this heartache that is mine at this moment.