Just a few of my thoughts on infertility

So, I have obviously made it no secret that Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant (for the last 20 months to be exact). I realize in the grand scheme of things, 20 months is not that long, and overall, I have been okay with things - disappointed at times, but okay. However, the last couple of months have been slightly more difficult for me than the past, and we have sought better fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist. With that, my thoughts and emotions regarding the situation have seemed to be almost non-stop.

I have been meaning to share some of those thoughts and feelings, but have been too busy. So hopefully, I can remember everything that has gone through my head and attempt to make some sense of it. Please note that these thoughts have no order to them.

• One of my greatest challenges with everything has been the fact that I have no control . It has been a true lesson to me that God is in control, and that I have to trust in His plans for me, and His timing. I am a definite control freak, I won't deny it. It has become more and more apparent to me over time. I stress greatly when I feel like I'm not in control of things (it is really not healthy). And being a control freak, I am a planner. I need to have things planned out in detail, and when things don't go according to plan, I panic. The weird thing about it is, I learned a few years ago that life doesn't usually go according to my plans (with Dave's job layoffs and changes in career, etc). And I feel like I have become a lot more relaxed about allowing our life's hurdles to happen. But for some reason, it has been harder for me to not have control of this life hurdle. I had a plan, and I was bound and determined to make sure that plan worked out. At first my plan was to have another summer baby to be two years younger than Belle. When that plan didn't work out, I figured I could adjust, and I would do everything in my power to have a baby by this coming summer and they would be three years apart. But I absolutely could NOT allow for a gap greater than three years between the two kids. I want Belle to be close to her sibling(s); I want them to be friends and have a special bond. And I wanted a summer baby because it is perfect timing for a few reasons: 1) My mom is a school teacher, and summer is an easier time for her to help with the baby; and 2) Belle is a summer baby, and if we were to have another girl, I could re-use all of her clothes. 3) I don't want to have a baby during cold/flu season with increased risks of infections. 4) Well, I won't yet go into detail about the 4th reason yet, but there is a 4th reason (and I think it's a good reason). Even though we have been trying for so long, my ultimate goal was to be pregnant by November. I thought if I prayed hard enough, tried hard enough, was really consistent with all the details of trying, I could make it happen. The months that I was really focused on getting a pregnancy test - September, then October, and then November were disappointing and difficult as they came and went with no positive result. My perfect plan was suddenly ruined. The lesson is infertility is not easy for type-A personalities. . . . and I guess more importantly it is to learn to trust in the Lord's timing. 
• So a brief history about me, and my experience with infertility in general. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Basically from that time, my doctors have told me that the best cure for endometriosis is pregnancy and child birth, but to also know, it could cause complications in getting pregnant, so they encouraged me that as soon as I was able, I should have children. Basically, I was told not to prolong having children. Again, with the Lord's timing, there is only so much control I can have over that. ;) That being said, I have kind of mentally prepared myself since I was a teenager for challenges in getting pregnant. So as you can imagine, when I got pregnant the first time, after only 3 months of trying, I was surprised. And then when we got pregnant with Belle after about 7 months of trying, again, I was surprised. At that time, I thought, maybe I will not face these challenges that I have tried to prepare myself for. And I almost felt guilty about it. I felt guilty because I had close friends and many aqcuaintances whom I knew were struggling with the battle of infertility. And I felt guilty that I was not. After all, it was something that I had prepared for, and that maybe they had not. I felt guilty when I was pregnant, I felt guilty when I had a baby, and even still at times, I feel guilty knowing I have this beautiful little girl when I know so many other people are struggling and longing to have that same blessing. Maybe guilty isn't the right word. . . maybe undeserving. All that being said, I have still felt somewhat of an emotional connection and a love for those who do struggle with infertility. I have felt a desire to reach out to them and to be there for them, so I have tried to support them in thought and prayer. I have tried to engage myself in learning more about infertility and learning about people's struggles. As I have done so, I have read people's stories, and I have read about emotions they experience such as denial and shame. And I have always wondered why anyone would feel those emotions when dealing with infertility. Why would they face denial about something that is just a part of life and that so many other people deal with? Why would they feel shame about something they did not "do"? Infertility is not something anyone can control, so why would they feel shame about a simple medical condition (if you will)? And another question that I came across - why would anyone feel shame about fertility treatment? Why would they feel guilty about seeking out treatment? These were questions that I thought were simple, and I didn't think people had REASON for those feelings. Now that I have been dealing with it for a short time, I understand . . . 
• Although we had been trying to get pregnant for about 18 months when I scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic, I didn't consider us as dealing with "infertility." We were just having a hard time getting pregnant. After meeting with the doctor, and he discussed my diagnosis of infertility with us, I left feeling all those things I had not previously understood. I realized that I was dealing with denial. How dare he say I was infertile? I'm not infertile. I've had a baby, and I've been pregnant twice. We were just simply experiencing some difficulties this time around. And I remember driving back to work after that appointment, and I remember having this weird feeling of shame come over me, or a feeling of being broken. What?!!!! I recognized I was feeling this, and I thought to myself, "Jenn, this is the feeling you know is not true!" Yet, I was feeling it, and I couldn't help it. I felt like something is wrong with me. My body is not the way it is supposed to be. It isn't working right. And I felt ashamed of it. And then the last couple of weeks, I have experienced the feeling of guilt with treatment. As I have begun fertility treatment, and all the science that goes into creating the miracle of a baby, I have felt guilty that I am agreeing to this "science." I feel like I am taking God's greatest power out of his hands and into my own. I have been consumed with the questions. Is this right? Is Heavenly Father disappointed in me? Am I doing something I shouldn't be? What if I am forcing something to happen that He doesn't want to happen? Am I forcing things to happen in what I want to be MY timing and not His timing? Even though, I have decided to move forward with treatment, I still have these questions looming in my mind. But fortunately, this afternoon, I was finally able to reach a feeling of comfort about it all. I know that Heavenly Father wants Dave and I to try and expand our family. I know that we have been living our life righteously and we have been trying to live as Heavenly Father would want us to live. Bringing another child into our home is a righteous desire, and fortunately for people like myself in this day and age, Heavenly Father has provided ways for infertile couples to bring to pass those righteous desires. Even with these thoughts and feelings of comfort, I will not deny that those questions of guilt have not dissipated. 
• Along with all my feelings of confusion, denial, shame, and guilt, I have of course been consumed with a feeling of fear. These treatments are difficult financially and emotionally, what if it doesn't work? What if I am more broken than we think? What if it is STILL not the Lord's time? Will I be able to handle the disappointment? Because I know it will be a disappointment multiplied ten-fold from what I have felt before. 

This road has been a somewhat long one, a hard one, and a disappointing one. I have a strong feeling that it will continue to be long, but I pray that I will be able to follow the examples of the many women I have watched struggle with this trial. I pray that I will be able to face it like them. And I pray that I will able to feel my Heavenly Father's hand in it all, and TRUST that He will remember me when it is time, as he once remembered Rachel. 

I LOVE my girl!

Today started out as a bit of a hard one for me. First of all, it has just been an exhausting few weeks, and I pretty much had zero motivation to do anything. Second, it was yet another disappointing day in the fertility department. It's that time of month when I should be ovulating, but of course I am not. I have been working so hard to try and get my hormones balanced and I recently had a procedure done to open up my fallopian tubes, which caused a whole lot of problems, but then lead to some changes that made me hopeful that maybe things were on the up and up. I was REALLY hoping that my body was going back to normal, but I checked my lab results from yesterday, and things are only getting worse - not better. :( So I started my day a bit depressed and remained depressed for much of the day.

.... But then, Dave went to the BYU game and Belle and I had some girl time (which we have seemed to have a little more of lately) and although we missed Daddy, it was kind of nice to just hang out with each other. As we sat at the counter eating our $5 pizza, Belle was singing and talking and just being her cute self. And I just sat and watched her in amazement. She is SUCH a cute girl who is so full of life. I feel truly lucky to be her mom. As I watched her, I wondered, "Are all kids this cute?" Obviously, I'm biased and I just don't think anyone is as cute as she is. But honestly, sometimes I just think that she is such a special person with such a gift to brighten a person's day. And sometimes I really do wonder if all parents are as lucky as I am to have a child with the enthusiasm and happiness that Belle has.

For those few minutes that I watched her, I had a feeling of peace, and the thought that although I am not currently able to bring the blessing of another child into our home, I am so lucky to enjoy the blessing of having more one-on-one time with her. I am lucky to develop a closer relationship with her while she is our only child. I am lucky to enjoy her cute personality as much as I possibly can with my undivided attention.

I obviously still long for another child, and I long to provide the blessing of a sibling to Belle, but for now we will enjoy this special bonding time, and I will enjoy spoiling my only child.

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As I talked to Dave about all of this tonight, we talked about all the super cute things that Belle does, and I decided I need to write those cute things down so that I never forget them. So here are just a few of the cute things about my girl:

• She sings ALL the time and I love it. She loves learning new songs and she even loves making up her own songs. It is one of my favorite things to hear her when she is playing on her own and starts singing a song I have never taught her but that she has learned at daycare or nursery (such as "How much is that doggy in the window?"
• Common questions that we ask her, she now asks us. For instance, when we pull into our neighborhood, we will often ask, "Where are we Belle?" And she will say, "We're almost home!" Well, now she has turned it around and asks us, "Where are we?" And of course she does it in a little high pitched voice like we do (cuz we are silly grown-ups who talk to kids in high-pitched tones).
• She is so emotional about things and so sympathetic. When we get mad at the dogs, or she sees a sad child, or one of us is upset about something, she gets a little sad face, and talks in a sad voice, and will say things like, "Oooooh, are you hurt?" or "Ooooooooh, are you sad?"
• She LOVES babies and animals. She not only loves baby dolls, but she loves any person that is smaller than her, and she needs to be right by them giving them loves. She loves our own dogs as well as any others. And she LOVES kitty cats - so much that she cries when she has to leave them, and she continuously asks for us to get one.
• Yesterday, when we were all in the car, we were stopped at Geneva Road and University Parkway where they are doing construction, and for those who know that intersection, it is quite small right now, and it is scary if you are waiting to turn left off Geneva and there is a large truck or bus turning right off Parkway. Those large vehicles are making a very sharp turn and often come within inches of the cars. So last night, there were three UTA buses on their way to the hub, and I was cringing watching them turn and come so close to our car. Now every time we see a bus, she says, "Mommy, don't be scared," with such concern in her voice.
• She is such a girly girl, and has become girly at a much earlier age than I expected. She loves clothes, shoes, purses, nail polish, jewelry, etc. Last night AND tonight, she asked if we could go shopping for shoes for her (I am not lying, and I did not put the idea in her head). She has also become quite addicted to pink. So much so that when we were in Old Navy, I wanted her to try on a tan coat, and she refused and threw a fit because it was not pink.
• She loves to be tickled, she loves to giggle, and she loves to play with her mommy and daddy.
• She also loves to play with other kids. She often asks if we can go to the neighbor's house (any neighbor's house) so she can play with other kids or other dogs - just anyone else. (I'm not going to lie, this makes the infertility thing even harder on me because I want her to be able to have a sibling so bad).
• She loves to read books, she loves to be read to, and she loves to read books to her babies.
• She loves family hugs when Dave and I just squeeze her so tight between us. And she loves to snuggle (not all the time) and just smoosh her face and cheeks into ours.
• Tonight, when I was getting her ready for bed, I was about to change her diaper on the floor, and she pointed to her changing table and instructed, "Change me up there, don't change me on the floor." As if she is completely appalled that I have been changing her on the floor a lot lately.
• There is so much more, but this will be it for now. I will make a goal, however, to be better about writing these cute things down so I don't forget them.

Love my girl!

Turning Some Pages

I'm just going to lay it all out there for you. Many of you may be disappointed in me and my weaknesses, but I figure there is no use in pretending to be something I'm not.

Although at the time Dave and I met, and during our courtship, we were both pretty good about regular scripture study, once we got married, it got hard. With the changes of marriage and trying to develop a routine, we never got in the SOLID habit of regularly studying our scriptures together. We have had times when we do well, and more times when we don't do so well. Next week we will have been married five years, and sadly never have made it through the entire Book of Mormon as a couple.

.... BUT this is soon to change.

We have made it a firm goal to have daily scripture study with Belle, and then also as a couple. We have not been doing it long, but we have been consistent, and I have already been able to see the incredible blessings.

It is amazing and such a blessing to feel our relationship grow stronger within just a few short weeks. Adding regular scripture study has been such a small thing that has lead to such GREAT blessings. Our lives have not drastically changed, but we have grown closer as a couple, and I am grateful to have that little bit of added spiritual strength to our relationship. I look forward to seeing the continued blessings within our marriage and our family as we make this part of our daily routine.

under construction

I am attempting to revamp my blog, so please bear with me as I experiment and try to make changes. I want to make it more personal, more geared toward my family, and something that I can tolerate looking at.

As I read other people's blogs, I find myself envious of what they are able to accomplish with their blogging, and I want to accomplish the same things. I want to be able to put my blog into a book for my family each year and not be embarrassed by it. I think it will take some time to get it where I want it to be, but I hope I can get there.

I have grown increasingly disappointed in myself and the fact that I have not followed through with what was once my biggest hobby - writing. I want to rediscover my love for writing, and I want to provide a place where I can express myself freely and where I do it often.

So I am making a goal that I will dedicate more of my time to thinking, writing, and creating a journal for me and for my family.

LoVe ThEsE 2!!

"Frarajaca"

Some people may think that Belle is too old for us to still have a baby monitor in her room, but I don't know that I will ever want to take it out of her room.

I ABSOLUTELY love listening to my girl every single night as she talks to herself, reads to her baby dolls, and sings all sorts of little songs. Ever since she was a little baby, she has babbled herself to sleep, and I have always and will always love it.

Count Your Many Blessings

I know there have been many days that I have been down about life lately, but I just need to say that although life hasn't exactly turned out the way I had always hoped it would, I have so many blessings to be grateful for. And I want you to know, that I do see these many blessings EVERY day and I know that I am one very lucky girl.

During the last few days, my blessings have been made even more apparent, and I have been able to feel an abundance of gratitude for my Heavenly Father's love.

My most apparent and greatest blessing is that of my eternal family.

I have an INCREDIBLE husband who loves me so much that he is literally willing to do anything for me (which sometimes, I admit, I take advantage of, but I also take for granted.) He is supportive of me in every way possible, he serves me every day, he serves our neighbors, he serves his family, and he has such a great love for everyone. He is energetic, positive, and everything I need to keep me balanced. He loves our daughter more than anything and is the best daddy a little girl could ask for - he tickles her whenever she needs a good laugh, he does her hair (and quite well for a guy) when mommy doesn't have time, he lets her have a sip of diet coke when mommy isn't watching, he gets up with her when she is crying in the night, he reads stories to her each night before bed, and does everything he can to make sure she is taken care of.

And really, do I need to say anything about our little miss Belle? Her cute face just says it all. Her name really does suit her because she is a beautiful person in every way. Even at two years old, I can say she is beautiful. She may a bit crazy (and a bit two) at times, but she is also such a delight to be around . She is so full of life, and such a happy kid. She loves to have fun, she loves to make you smile, and she does it every day for us. Even though sharing with other kids can be a bit tough for her at times (I mean she is a 2-year-old), she is ALWAYS willing to share with Mommy and Daddy, and she always insists on sharing. She can never have a treat or a meal without giving a little to Mommy, and Daddy, and even Emmy and Porter. She shows sooooo much love for such a little person. She loves her baby dolls, she loves our dogs, and she loves us. And she loves to show it with hugs and kisses. If one of us trips or says, "Dang-it" or "ouch" she is quick to ask us if we are okay. If the dogs are pouting because we got angry with them or put them in the kennel, she is so concerned for them and wants to help them. She takes such good care of her baby dolls and tells them all the time to be careful. I could go on and on. She just says and does so many cute things. We love her so much and are so glad to have her in our lives.

I also have great parents and siblings, but in this week, I feel especially grateful for my sisters. I am so lucky to have such great sisters. The other day, I was on the verge of the breakdown. It was just one of those days (which I've been having a lot of lately) when I realized that I am almost thirty and I am so not where I wanted to be in life. I just got down about life. And there were my two little sisters on Google Chat, so quick to cheer me up. They helped to remind me that life really isn't so bad, and I do have a good life. They were there to give me the moral support I needed right when I needed it. I am so lucky to have such great sisters who love me so much, who set such good examples for me, and who remind me why life is good.

The best part of all this, is that these great people are my family for ETERNITY. I am so grateful that my parents were sealed in the temple and have continued to live their lives worthy of those eternal blessings. And I am sincerely happy and grateful that Dave and I have been sealed to each other and our children for FOREVER. I honestly could not imagine my life without them. I could not imagine being happy without them. I am so glad to know that if we continually strive to live righteously that we will be able to spend not only the rest of our mortality together but the rest of our eternity together. Oh how lucky and truly, truly blessed I am.