My Beautiful Belle

In addition to posting about the recent events of our hospital stay, I also wanted to post about our beautiful daughter who means so much to me. Honestly, when I first heard I would be on bed rest in the hospital, before all the stresses of work and things to do at home set in, my first thought was how I would handle being away from my cute girl and how she would handle everything. I was so worried about her and so sad to have such a tough experience for her - for her mommy to be in the hospital for so long, and then by the time I'd finally be able to come home, she would have a new sister in the world (most likely in the NICU) requiring so much attention from us. My heart was hurting for my poor girl.

After things had calmed down that night, Dave left for a bit to go to the house to gather some of my belongings as well as get Belle in her pj's and ready for bed (to sleep at the neighbors). He said as soon as he knocked on their door, Belle came running out of their house, into ours, and into our kitchen looking for me. When I wasn't there, she sat on the kitchen floor, pouting, asking for Mommy. Hearing the story broke my heart.

The next day, my mother-in-law brought Belle to the hospital to see me. I think when she came in the room, she was in a bit of shock and didn't know what to think about me laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines. At first she didn't want to sit by me or really have much to do with me at all. Eventually, she started to warm up and came and laid in the bed next to me while she played games on my cell phone. After an hour or two at the hospital, Belle was growing tired, so Grandma took her home for a nap.

However, shortly after that, I was released from the hospital, and we came straight home. I could hear Belle crying upstairs in her bed asking for her mommy, and again, it broke my heart. I immediately went upstairs to see her with her Grandma laying in her bed next to her trying to comfort her. I went over to give her hugs and kisses, and she told me, "I was crying for you Mommy. I was sad because I don't want you to be in the hospital." Her tender little voice just made my heart melt. I was SOOOOOO glad to be home with my little girl and to have the blessing of more time with her. My mother-in-law told me that from the time they left the hospital, she just kept crying for me. I am so glad that Heavenly Father answered my little girl's prayers to let me come home.

Along with many other lessons that I learned during this rare sequence of events, I was reminded of the incredible love I have for my little girl. And I was reminded how much her life is about to change too, and that I need to be here for her. I am so glad that we still have a couple months to spend time with one another and to allow our bond to grow before we introduce her sister into our family.

Isabelle is such a special person and has been blessed with such a tender heart and great concern for those around her, especially those she loves. We are truly so lucky to have been blessed with such an incredible daughter, and I am so glad she is in our lives.

Our emotional roller coaster that ended in a miracle

I am currently exhausted, but my mind cannot rest and I am bored of TV at the moment, so I figured I would try to document the recent events from last night and this morning to try and answer any and all questions left in heads from my Facebook posts, and also just to document everything that happened for us.  Last night after work, Dave, and Belle and I met up at Target after I got off work for a quick shopping trip to buy some groceries for dinner. We got home and before we were even able to get our groceries put away, the unexpected happened. Of course, being pregnant, my first stop after walking in the door was the bathroom to empty my tiny bladder. Within seconds of standing up, I felt a gush of fluid, and everything happened identically to when my water broke with Belle (of course she was at full-term). At first, I just thought, this can't be possible, my water couldn't have broken, it must be something else. So I stood there for a minute in shock and trying to figure what else could have possibly happened. But I decided that there is no way I was mistaken, my pants had immediately been soaked in fluid and the fluid continued to come out.  Dave rushed to try and throw what groceries he could in the fridge, as I debated whether or not I had time to pack a bag for Belle and a hospital bag for myself, but being that I am not quite 28 weeks and my baby is so tiny, I didn't know how much time we had, so we decided to just leave. We took Belle to our next door neighbors', and we headed to Orem Community Hospital (which is the only IHC hospital my OBGYN goes to).  When we walked in we told them we were pretty sure my water had broken and I was only 27 weeks. They asked why I went there, because if that was the case, I would need to be transferred to UVRMC to have use of their NICU. Well, of course, my doctor's office never told me what I needed to do in the event of preterm labor. So I was just praying that I was in fact mistaken and my water hadn't broken. They tested for amniotic fluid, and it came back positive; they also checked my cervix which was dilated to about a 1. So they did everything they could to prep me to transfer hospitals and called the ambulance. Within about 30-40 minutes, the ambulance was there and I was on my way to UVRMC. By that point, my contractions were growing stronger and were consistently about 1 minute apart. I started to worry that I might not make it to the hospital, and I think my EMT was a bit worried as well. He had the driver drive at a 3 (which I guess is their faster speed). It was quite the experience and during that short ride from one hospital to the other, my mind was just consumed with what was going to happen with me, and with my baby. I was in total shock of all that was going on and didn't know quite how to process everything. 


They got me to UVRMC and immediately had nurses working with me. They gave me medicine to slow my contractions, which helped spread them to about 2 minutes apart (and eventually after my second dose of meds, they began to spread further apart and less intense). Since my contractions were so close together, they gave me steroids and antibiotics right away. Normally, the steroid shot (which they give two of), they give 24 hours apart, but decided to give mine only 12 hours apart due to the regularity and intensity of my contractions (they did not want to check my cervix again, because they didn't want to cause any cervical progression, they wanted to leave it alone as much as possible). 


I still didn't really know what was exactly going on, because it was such a whirlwind, and the nurses were trying to educate me between getting me prepped for everything. During one of the "educational moments," my nurse told me that their goal was to get me to 34 weeks before delivery and that I would be in the hospital until then. For some reason, I thought they'd put me on bedrest and send me home (I'm obviously not well educated in preterm labor). So when I was told I'd be in that hospital until baby came (for hopefully 6 weeks), the anxiety set in. I immediately started to worry about Belle and how she would handle everything and the fact that the next time I'd be at home with her, she would not be the only child, and what a difficult transition it would be for us both. I worried about work (as it is literally probably the WORST time in my last 4 years of employment for me to not be there), and of course I worried about our precious baby girl and how little she would be and if she'd survive through everything, and how we'd get through it all. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for ANY of this, and I was definitely not prepared with my home life and work life. It was just all so much for me to take in, that I'd go from moments of peace to moments of panic. However, surprisingly, I feel like I had greater moments of peace than panic. I definitely thank my Heavenly Father for those peaceful moments. 


My parents drove down from Syracuse to see me (because when we first called them, my contractions were so close, we didn't know what was going to happen). By the time they arrived, things had calmed down a bit, and I was stable and baby was stable, and we had met with the doctor and things felt a little better. After my dad arrived, he and Dave administered a priesthood blessing for me and our baby. My sisters eventually came to see me as well, and we were able to visit for awhile, which was nice to have the family support and a distraction from everything going on. Eventually, they all went home, and I attempted to sleep, which didn't really happen much with all the monitors, the IV, and leg compressors I was hooked up to. My contractions continued through the night, but they definitely decreased in intensity, which helped a lot. 


By morning, I had noticed that I didn't really feel like I was leaking fluid anymore, and wondered if in fact, I had been leaking it the whole time. Then once I stood up to get ready for the morning, I could feel a little bit of leaking (but no gushing) so I figured it was still happening, but just at a slower rate. However, after being up, it seemed all leaking had stopped (which was kind of weird, but I figured maybe it's just cuz I was sitting or laying down the whole time). At about 10ish, they took me to the neonatal unit for an ultrasound and to meet with a neonatalogist. The ultrasound was looking good, and the sonographer seemed quite surprised at the level of amniotic fluid I still had considering a rupture. So the neonatalogist came in to look at things. She decided that she would repeat the test for amniotic fluid plus send it to the lab for an amniosure (??) test for a more thorough result. Surprisingly, ALL of my tests came back negative. Everyone was slightly baffled, and the doctor had a few different possibilities to explain everything, although nothing could be certain. But based on everything, it seems the most likely thing that happened is I did have a small tear that ended up healing itself. She said that is EXTREMELY rare, but possible. Normally when it happens, it is because the tear is caused by an external source, like a needle going into the sac for an amniocentesis. So it is really rare, that I would naturally have such a small tear on my own. Although rare and surprising, we can't really come up with another explanation besides a pure miracle. 


I keep questioning everything that happened and wondering if I was just making everything up in my head, because I just can't imagine that the Lord would bless me with such an incredible miracle. It would just make more sense to me that I imagined it all. But then I think back on everything, and I cannot deny any of it. I cannot deny the gush of fluid, I cannot deny the original test done, I cannot deny the onset of close contractions. And when I look back at it all, I am still kind of in awe that we would be sooooooo blessed for everything to be suddenly better. I think of all the other moms who experience  a pre-term rupture, and who do not get lucky like we did. And I don't know why we were chosen to receive this incredible blessing. I don't know if the Lord needed us to learn some lessons (which I do feel like I have learned a lot over the last 24 hours with everything that went on); or if it just simply was definitely not this baby girl's time to come to this earth. I can't explain any of it, and I don't know that I will ever know the reason behind everything. All I now is that the Lord has taught me a lot. And I know that I cannot even express the gratitude I feel for all that I have been given. 


The Lord has blessed our baby with more time to grow and develop. He has blessed me with more time to spend with Isabelle before our lives are drastically changed. And He has blessed us with the knowledge that we have SUCH immense support around us - incredible neighbors and ward members who are willing to step in at any time to help us, which is so humbling to me. More than anything, He has blessed us with an opportunity to strengthen our testimonies in the power of prayer and the power of the priesthood. I don't think I have ever had a more real personal experience in my life where I have seen the direct and immediate blessings of both. And I feel undeserving of this experience as I feel like I lack so much faith to be able to be given such blessings. However, I am grateful. I pray that we continue to be blessed with time for our baby to grow and develop. And I pray that our Heavenly Father will know how truly grateful we are. 

Good News and Relief!

I just wanted to make sure to post that things are looking better with our baby girl. The fluid that they saw last time in the gallbladder and bowels was no longer there. She still has fluid in her kidneys, but they are not dilated enough to a point that they are worried. We will go for another ultrasound when I am 34 weeks and take a look at the kidneys again. So we were VERY relieved after our appointment yesterday. I know we had a lot of prayers said for us and fasting, and they worked! Thank you everyone for your love and concern.

A few updates and a little reflection - my dad, our baby, and life

I apologize as this post may turn out to be ultra long and possibly picture-less. I still need to upload some photos to my computer, and I'm too lazy to do it at the moment, so if I get to it, I will add pictures later.

Life has been so crazy-busy lately, that I feel like there is hardly any time for things like blogging, so I apologize for my lack of posts for the last while. I mostly want to apologize to myself for it, as my blog has been serving as a journal for me, and I have neglected to keep it updated. However, right now, Dave is playing basketball, Belle is in bed, and my uterus hurts too much for me to continue the laundry I started, so I thought now might be a good time for me to try and jot down some updates and thoughts. Hopefully I will be able to get through it all.

I feel like the last little while, life has presented Dave and I with many opportunities for reflection on life, the gospel, the plan of salvation and the many blessings we have been given. Although some of these opportunities have come in the way of trials, I am still grateful for them. I am grateful for the chances our Heavenly Father gives us to learn and grow and to pause from the chaos of every day to reflect on the things that truly matter to us.

I think I will begin with these moments of reflection in chronological order.

My Dad
In mid-march, after quite a few months of pain, and doctor's appointments, and tests, my dad was diagnosed with cancer - non-hodgkins lymphoma. During the days leading up to (and the days following) his final diagnosis, my mind was consumed with so many different thoughts and worries, and my emotions were on a roller-coaster (and I'm sure being pregnant did not help at all with that). Although a very emotionally difficult time, it was and is a growing time for me and for my family. When we were waiting for some of the final test results, I remember praying so hard to my Heavenly Father. I prayed for peace and comfort for my mom and dad, and I prayed for peace for me. And immediately, I felt that peace. I don't think I have ever experienced such an immediate answer to my prayers as I did with that prayer. It was incredible. I did not know and still don't know what the outcome is going to be with this nasty cancer. However, I know that I have already witnessed blessings from it and I have been able to feel my Heavenly Father's love and watchful eye throughout the process. I have felt individual attention from him given to me and to my family - which is something I don't think I have truly experienced before, but I definitely know I can feel it now.

Our baby
It is interesting to me think about how different things have been for me during this pregnancy as opposed to my pregnancy with Belle. I have definitely paid a lot less attention to all the little details of pregnancy - I'm not reading every possible book and article I can about pregnancy and the development of the baby, and I am not nearly as stressed about being "prepared for baby" with a crib, and bedding, and clothing, etc, etc. Sometimes I even feel like a little bit of a negligent mother to my unborn child, because she does not get nearly the amount of mental attention as Belle did. However, I feel like I am more grateful for this pregnancy this time around. Don't get me wrong, I was incredibly grateful to be pregnant with Belle when I was, but I feel like this time I'm more aware of the true miracle life is. I think part of that might have to do with the fact that I am already a mom this time around. And I think once you have a child (as with any step in eternal progression - baptism, temple, marriage), your gain an even greater eternal perspective. Having the perspective of a mother and knowing the blessings and joy of motherhood first hand has increased my appreciation for the blessing of being able to grow my family.

Although I don't really want to admit it, I am going to admit that when I was pregnant with Belle and even after she was first born, I did not feel that "motherly" connection with her right away. Obviously, I loved her from the beginning, and I would have been devastated had I lost her or experienced complications, but I didn't feel that "special bond" that I know many pregnant women feel, and I always felt sad about it. However, this time around -- again, coming with the perspective of a mother, and having experienced motherhood now, I have been able to feel a very deep bond and love for this girl already, and that love grows every day. And I know that I love this baby girl with all my heart, no matter what road we will take as her parents and family.

With that being said, my heart worries for her. We go in for yet another ultrasound tomorrow (I think this will be the 6th or 7th) to determine whether or not we will need to see a pareonatologist. At our 20 week ultrasound (which we actually had a little early) where they look at all the organs and such, they noticed some fluid in her kidneys, which can be somewhat common, so they set up another ultrasound 4 weeks later just to check up on them, with hopes that things would have resolved and the kidneys would be back to normal. At that ultrasound, her kidneys had dilated even more, and this time they noticed additional swelling in her gallbladder and bowels. So tomorrow, we will go in for another ultrasound with a better machine to see if there continues to be swelling. If so, I will then go to a pareonatologist and go from there.

We have really tried not to stress too much over the situation because 1) the doctor told us not to worry about it too much at this point, and 2) there isn't really anything we could do anyway to change the situation. However, I am a mom, and I still worry. I worry about what the outcome of all of this could be, because at this point, I don't really know what it all means. As we have gotten closer and closer to this next ultrasound - tomorrow, I have worried more and more, but at the same time, I have also felt peace about things because I know that no matter what happens, I LOVE this baby and I will love her no matter what happens. And I know that Heavenly Father has blessed us with the chance to give her a physical body and bring her into our family. Really, beyond that, nothing else matters. No physical limitations can change the love we have to offer her.

Life
Even during the midst of trials we have experienced and are experiencing (which I know are minimal compared to so many others), Dave and I have been so lucky to witness incredible blessings from above. Really, it is my incredible husband, who is the first one to acknowledge these blessings, and to thank our Heavenly Father for the things we have been given, and for that I am grateful. I am so grateful to have a husband who can so easily see the Lord's hand in all things, and who always knows that our successes and joys come directly from Heavenly Father. And I am grateful that during our last 6 years of marriage, that have definitely not been easy for us, especially with the financial and emotional challenges of unemployment and trying to get through school, Dave has never once lost hope or faith. When I have been the weak one and reach a point where I just want to give up and I ask what the purpose of trying even is anymore, he has continued to stay strong and to push forward with faith. I know we still have a long way to go, but if it weren't for Dave's faith and endurance, I know we would be even further behind than we are now and I don't think we would be receiving the blessings that we are. I have grown even more grateful recently for the partnership of marriage and the blessing of family. It is more apparent to me every day why the central part of Heavenly Father's plan is families. And I am so grateful that I have been blessed with such an incredible family - wonderful parents and siblings, a faithful husband, and a beautiful daughter, and of course great and supportive in-laws. I am one blessed woman.

We Love Little Girls!

I am obviously super behind on some blog posts. In fact, it's been almost 14 weeks since I last posted. Why do I know that? Well, because tomorrow, it will have been 14 weeks since we underwent our first round of intrauterine insemination. That may be a little more information than many of you would like, but I am sharing it anyway. :)

Obviously, as I discussed in my last post, we had been trying to get pregnant for some time, and started on some clomid and decided to give intrauterine insemination (IUI) a try. Our doctor made sure we were well aware that we would have about a 20% chance of experiencing success with the first round. After everything else we had already tried, I honestly was planning on a longer road of infertility ahead of us. After all, I knew I had endometriosis, and after an HSG a few months prior, I knew that my tubes had been closed up, and the doctor told us there was a definite possibility that I could have problems with my tubes and we just wouldn't know until we went through a few rounds of the IUI. 

Well, we were pleasantly surprised when we found out on my birthday that we were expecting baby #2! 

With that being said, we are now very excited to know that Belle will be getting a baby SISTER the end of August.

Just a few of my thoughts on infertility

So, I have obviously made it no secret that Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant (for the last 20 months to be exact). I realize in the grand scheme of things, 20 months is not that long, and overall, I have been okay with things - disappointed at times, but okay. However, the last couple of months have been slightly more difficult for me than the past, and we have sought better fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist. With that, my thoughts and emotions regarding the situation have seemed to be almost non-stop.

I have been meaning to share some of those thoughts and feelings, but have been too busy. So hopefully, I can remember everything that has gone through my head and attempt to make some sense of it. Please note that these thoughts have no order to them.

• One of my greatest challenges with everything has been the fact that I have no control . It has been a true lesson to me that God is in control, and that I have to trust in His plans for me, and His timing. I am a definite control freak, I won't deny it. It has become more and more apparent to me over time. I stress greatly when I feel like I'm not in control of things (it is really not healthy). And being a control freak, I am a planner. I need to have things planned out in detail, and when things don't go according to plan, I panic. The weird thing about it is, I learned a few years ago that life doesn't usually go according to my plans (with Dave's job layoffs and changes in career, etc). And I feel like I have become a lot more relaxed about allowing our life's hurdles to happen. But for some reason, it has been harder for me to not have control of this life hurdle. I had a plan, and I was bound and determined to make sure that plan worked out. At first my plan was to have another summer baby to be two years younger than Belle. When that plan didn't work out, I figured I could adjust, and I would do everything in my power to have a baby by this coming summer and they would be three years apart. But I absolutely could NOT allow for a gap greater than three years between the two kids. I want Belle to be close to her sibling(s); I want them to be friends and have a special bond. And I wanted a summer baby because it is perfect timing for a few reasons: 1) My mom is a school teacher, and summer is an easier time for her to help with the baby; and 2) Belle is a summer baby, and if we were to have another girl, I could re-use all of her clothes. 3) I don't want to have a baby during cold/flu season with increased risks of infections. 4) Well, I won't yet go into detail about the 4th reason yet, but there is a 4th reason (and I think it's a good reason). Even though we have been trying for so long, my ultimate goal was to be pregnant by November. I thought if I prayed hard enough, tried hard enough, was really consistent with all the details of trying, I could make it happen. The months that I was really focused on getting a pregnancy test - September, then October, and then November were disappointing and difficult as they came and went with no positive result. My perfect plan was suddenly ruined. The lesson is infertility is not easy for type-A personalities. . . . and I guess more importantly it is to learn to trust in the Lord's timing. 
• So a brief history about me, and my experience with infertility in general. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Basically from that time, my doctors have told me that the best cure for endometriosis is pregnancy and child birth, but to also know, it could cause complications in getting pregnant, so they encouraged me that as soon as I was able, I should have children. Basically, I was told not to prolong having children. Again, with the Lord's timing, there is only so much control I can have over that. ;) That being said, I have kind of mentally prepared myself since I was a teenager for challenges in getting pregnant. So as you can imagine, when I got pregnant the first time, after only 3 months of trying, I was surprised. And then when we got pregnant with Belle after about 7 months of trying, again, I was surprised. At that time, I thought, maybe I will not face these challenges that I have tried to prepare myself for. And I almost felt guilty about it. I felt guilty because I had close friends and many aqcuaintances whom I knew were struggling with the battle of infertility. And I felt guilty that I was not. After all, it was something that I had prepared for, and that maybe they had not. I felt guilty when I was pregnant, I felt guilty when I had a baby, and even still at times, I feel guilty knowing I have this beautiful little girl when I know so many other people are struggling and longing to have that same blessing. Maybe guilty isn't the right word. . . maybe undeserving. All that being said, I have still felt somewhat of an emotional connection and a love for those who do struggle with infertility. I have felt a desire to reach out to them and to be there for them, so I have tried to support them in thought and prayer. I have tried to engage myself in learning more about infertility and learning about people's struggles. As I have done so, I have read people's stories, and I have read about emotions they experience such as denial and shame. And I have always wondered why anyone would feel those emotions when dealing with infertility. Why would they face denial about something that is just a part of life and that so many other people deal with? Why would they feel shame about something they did not "do"? Infertility is not something anyone can control, so why would they feel shame about a simple medical condition (if you will)? And another question that I came across - why would anyone feel shame about fertility treatment? Why would they feel guilty about seeking out treatment? These were questions that I thought were simple, and I didn't think people had REASON for those feelings. Now that I have been dealing with it for a short time, I understand . . . 
• Although we had been trying to get pregnant for about 18 months when I scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic, I didn't consider us as dealing with "infertility." We were just having a hard time getting pregnant. After meeting with the doctor, and he discussed my diagnosis of infertility with us, I left feeling all those things I had not previously understood. I realized that I was dealing with denial. How dare he say I was infertile? I'm not infertile. I've had a baby, and I've been pregnant twice. We were just simply experiencing some difficulties this time around. And I remember driving back to work after that appointment, and I remember having this weird feeling of shame come over me, or a feeling of being broken. What?!!!! I recognized I was feeling this, and I thought to myself, "Jenn, this is the feeling you know is not true!" Yet, I was feeling it, and I couldn't help it. I felt like something is wrong with me. My body is not the way it is supposed to be. It isn't working right. And I felt ashamed of it. And then the last couple of weeks, I have experienced the feeling of guilt with treatment. As I have begun fertility treatment, and all the science that goes into creating the miracle of a baby, I have felt guilty that I am agreeing to this "science." I feel like I am taking God's greatest power out of his hands and into my own. I have been consumed with the questions. Is this right? Is Heavenly Father disappointed in me? Am I doing something I shouldn't be? What if I am forcing something to happen that He doesn't want to happen? Am I forcing things to happen in what I want to be MY timing and not His timing? Even though, I have decided to move forward with treatment, I still have these questions looming in my mind. But fortunately, this afternoon, I was finally able to reach a feeling of comfort about it all. I know that Heavenly Father wants Dave and I to try and expand our family. I know that we have been living our life righteously and we have been trying to live as Heavenly Father would want us to live. Bringing another child into our home is a righteous desire, and fortunately for people like myself in this day and age, Heavenly Father has provided ways for infertile couples to bring to pass those righteous desires. Even with these thoughts and feelings of comfort, I will not deny that those questions of guilt have not dissipated. 
• Along with all my feelings of confusion, denial, shame, and guilt, I have of course been consumed with a feeling of fear. These treatments are difficult financially and emotionally, what if it doesn't work? What if I am more broken than we think? What if it is STILL not the Lord's time? Will I be able to handle the disappointment? Because I know it will be a disappointment multiplied ten-fold from what I have felt before. 

This road has been a somewhat long one, a hard one, and a disappointing one. I have a strong feeling that it will continue to be long, but I pray that I will be able to follow the examples of the many women I have watched struggle with this trial. I pray that I will be able to face it like them. And I pray that I will able to feel my Heavenly Father's hand in it all, and TRUST that He will remember me when it is time, as he once remembered Rachel. 

I LOVE my girl!

Today started out as a bit of a hard one for me. First of all, it has just been an exhausting few weeks, and I pretty much had zero motivation to do anything. Second, it was yet another disappointing day in the fertility department. It's that time of month when I should be ovulating, but of course I am not. I have been working so hard to try and get my hormones balanced and I recently had a procedure done to open up my fallopian tubes, which caused a whole lot of problems, but then lead to some changes that made me hopeful that maybe things were on the up and up. I was REALLY hoping that my body was going back to normal, but I checked my lab results from yesterday, and things are only getting worse - not better. :( So I started my day a bit depressed and remained depressed for much of the day.

.... But then, Dave went to the BYU game and Belle and I had some girl time (which we have seemed to have a little more of lately) and although we missed Daddy, it was kind of nice to just hang out with each other. As we sat at the counter eating our $5 pizza, Belle was singing and talking and just being her cute self. And I just sat and watched her in amazement. She is SUCH a cute girl who is so full of life. I feel truly lucky to be her mom. As I watched her, I wondered, "Are all kids this cute?" Obviously, I'm biased and I just don't think anyone is as cute as she is. But honestly, sometimes I just think that she is such a special person with such a gift to brighten a person's day. And sometimes I really do wonder if all parents are as lucky as I am to have a child with the enthusiasm and happiness that Belle has.

For those few minutes that I watched her, I had a feeling of peace, and the thought that although I am not currently able to bring the blessing of another child into our home, I am so lucky to enjoy the blessing of having more one-on-one time with her. I am lucky to develop a closer relationship with her while she is our only child. I am lucky to enjoy her cute personality as much as I possibly can with my undivided attention.

I obviously still long for another child, and I long to provide the blessing of a sibling to Belle, but for now we will enjoy this special bonding time, and I will enjoy spoiling my only child.

..........................................................................................................................

As I talked to Dave about all of this tonight, we talked about all the super cute things that Belle does, and I decided I need to write those cute things down so that I never forget them. So here are just a few of the cute things about my girl:

• She sings ALL the time and I love it. She loves learning new songs and she even loves making up her own songs. It is one of my favorite things to hear her when she is playing on her own and starts singing a song I have never taught her but that she has learned at daycare or nursery (such as "How much is that doggy in the window?"
• Common questions that we ask her, she now asks us. For instance, when we pull into our neighborhood, we will often ask, "Where are we Belle?" And she will say, "We're almost home!" Well, now she has turned it around and asks us, "Where are we?" And of course she does it in a little high pitched voice like we do (cuz we are silly grown-ups who talk to kids in high-pitched tones).
• She is so emotional about things and so sympathetic. When we get mad at the dogs, or she sees a sad child, or one of us is upset about something, she gets a little sad face, and talks in a sad voice, and will say things like, "Oooooh, are you hurt?" or "Ooooooooh, are you sad?"
• She LOVES babies and animals. She not only loves baby dolls, but she loves any person that is smaller than her, and she needs to be right by them giving them loves. She loves our own dogs as well as any others. And she LOVES kitty cats - so much that she cries when she has to leave them, and she continuously asks for us to get one.
• Yesterday, when we were all in the car, we were stopped at Geneva Road and University Parkway where they are doing construction, and for those who know that intersection, it is quite small right now, and it is scary if you are waiting to turn left off Geneva and there is a large truck or bus turning right off Parkway. Those large vehicles are making a very sharp turn and often come within inches of the cars. So last night, there were three UTA buses on their way to the hub, and I was cringing watching them turn and come so close to our car. Now every time we see a bus, she says, "Mommy, don't be scared," with such concern in her voice.
• She is such a girly girl, and has become girly at a much earlier age than I expected. She loves clothes, shoes, purses, nail polish, jewelry, etc. Last night AND tonight, she asked if we could go shopping for shoes for her (I am not lying, and I did not put the idea in her head). She has also become quite addicted to pink. So much so that when we were in Old Navy, I wanted her to try on a tan coat, and she refused and threw a fit because it was not pink.
• She loves to be tickled, she loves to giggle, and she loves to play with her mommy and daddy.
• She also loves to play with other kids. She often asks if we can go to the neighbor's house (any neighbor's house) so she can play with other kids or other dogs - just anyone else. (I'm not going to lie, this makes the infertility thing even harder on me because I want her to be able to have a sibling so bad).
• She loves to read books, she loves to be read to, and she loves to read books to her babies.
• She loves family hugs when Dave and I just squeeze her so tight between us. And she loves to snuggle (not all the time) and just smoosh her face and cheeks into ours.
• Tonight, when I was getting her ready for bed, I was about to change her diaper on the floor, and she pointed to her changing table and instructed, "Change me up there, don't change me on the floor." As if she is completely appalled that I have been changing her on the floor a lot lately.
• There is so much more, but this will be it for now. I will make a goal, however, to be better about writing these cute things down so I don't forget them.

Love my girl!