Missing My Grandma

It's 5:00am, and even though I only have about 3 hours of sleep behind me, I can't seem to shut my mind off. I lay awake in my bed that sits in the room my grandmother lived most of her life in and all I can think about is her not being here. 

It's still surreal to me to think about a life without my Grandma Jean in it. As I lay here,  thinking about her living her vibrant days in this house that I now spend my days in,  my heart starts to miss her unending optimism and zest for life, but I am comforted as I can feel her on the other side and I can feel her happiness. For she has her mind back, and she is free from physical pain and limitations that she can now live with all that vibrance and zest yet again.

Although I don't know exactly how things are in the spirit world - I don't know if there are young children spirits or if all are adults, but I simply can't imagine a world without little children. And my heart swells with joy as I think about my Grandma joyfully teaching kids again. For anyone who has lost a child in this life, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that they have recently gained an incredible woman in their lives who will bring them joy, music, and education. I am certain that my grandmother is choosing to spend her time and her talents with the kids. And she is making them feel loved beyond measure.

So although I lay here, missing my sweet Grandma, I am so, so happy for her and the joy that I know she is feeling.

The Sunday struggle is real, but it is worth it

Due to illness, travel, more illness, and utter exhaustion due to said illnesses, it has been a few weeks since we have attended church as a family. The struggle to get there today was not any easier than all those of Sundays past, but oh how I have missed attending church together as a family, and I was bound and determined to get there today. We made it -- almost an hour late -- but we made it, and I am beyond grateful we did.

More often than not, getting to church seems like such a difficult chore. Some Sundays (most Sundays), getting to church is an enormous challenge for our little family. With anxiety -- be it mine or Belle's or Charlotte's or all -- getting ready for any day is a battle, but with Sundays, sometimes it turns into a full on war.

No matter how well prepared I think I am, it is never enough. Every Saturday night, I try to prepare by laying out everyone's Sunday outfits - down to the socks, shoes, and hair accessories. I try to prepare my kids mentally for the fact that church is coming up the next day, and when they wake up, we will need to get ready and go. I have activities planned and ready for them to keep them quiet during Sacrament meeting. And I have my checklist of all that needs to be done to make it to church on time. With all the preparations in place, my mind and body ready for the battle; without fail, Sunday morning arrives, and I feel like it was all in vain.

One child refuses to wear the outfit I picked out, simply because I picked it out. It's okay, I anticipated it - so plans B, and C are hanging in her closet for "her" to choose. Then comes time to do the hair, oh the hair. I don't even want to talk about the hair - because it is PURE TORTURE each and every day, which is why most days, it doesn't get touched. Yet, I beg and plead with my child just to let me brush through it, so she can look her Sunday best. Sometimes, I go into this battle with a determination to get through it no matter what dodges, screams, and shrieks come my way. Other days, I decide I don't have the strength for it, and to save my strength for something more important like shoes. Yes,SHOES.

I know all you parents of kids with anxiety, autism, SPD, OCD, any and all of the above, know what I'm talking about. I have one child who can't stand to wear socks, another who has to wear socks (no matter the type of shoe), but her socks have to be just perfect without a loose strand, not too big, not too small, definitely not too much bulk, and heaven forbid any type of pattern is sewn into them. Oh, and don't you worry, the socks that she wore without a problem last week, they "just don't feel right" today. Once we finally find a pair of socks to feel just right, then comes my mighty prayer that today, her shoes will feel okay. Because, you guessed it, the shoes that she begged for at the store, the only shoes that felt okay to her, now feel funny. We slip one shoe on, and then it begins -- the blood curdling scream that I prayed we would avoid. The sound hits my ears, and I just don't think I can do this again. I remove myself from the room to take a breather, scream into a pillow, and cry wondering why we can't ever just make it to church on time for once in my parental lifetime. I give myself a pep talk, and head back out of my room. If I made the sound of a war cry, this is probably the time it would take place. I will NOT give up. I will NOT give in. I will spare you the details of the battle that continues on, just know it usually comes with lots of tears, clothes being torn off, a terrible case of itchiness, and so on, until finally, we are on our way out the door -- with a child in slippers or snow boots -- as tears still fill all of our eyes as we silently pray to make it through the day.

Once we get to church, the battle is not over. We still have to work on getting them to go to their classes without a child clinging to my side or tears and sobs flowing freely as I push them away. Some days are better than others, and most days, Daddy has to step in because I am too weak to keep on with the fight.

Then finally, I make it 20 minutes late into my own Sunday school class, and I can sit and I breathe. And then I wonder why we continue to do this. I wonder if this constant struggle is truly worth it. As I begin to wonder, I turn to the scriptures we are learning from today for our lesson, and Heavenly Father answers my prayers. He answers them so clearly, as no else can. He focuses the lesson on the Sabbath Day, and I am reminded of the sacredness of HIS day. I am filled with the spirit - a spirit of sorrow and repentance, but also I spirit of strength and renewal. I am reminded that the struggle is so real, but that it is also so worth it.

In Doctrine & Covenants 59, we are instructed,
"Thou shalt offer a sacrifice unto the Lord they God in righteousness, even that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. 

And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day..."
         
"... But remember that on this, the Lord's day, thou shalt offer thin oblations and thy sacraments unto the Most High, confessing they sins unto thy brethren and before the Lord."

Getting to church is so dang hard, but it makes the blessings that come from it that much more rewarding. Fighting the battle to get to church, is one way that I can offer up mine oblations. It is a sacrifice for us to get to church, but it is one that we can and should offer up to the Lord.

I have often felt guilty that my Sundays don't always go as I have always envisioned they should. My Sundays today do not look anything like they did when I was a single, returned missionary who could dedicate my day to scripture study and service. And I know that my Sundays in twenty years will look much different than they do today. The oblations I offer up to my Lord will change over time, but for now, one of the greatest sacrifices I can make is to face the challenge it is just to get to church. I can teach my children, His children by example. I can teach them that going to church is not always easy, but it is how we show our love and devotion for our Savior and Father in Heaven. And in return, we will be blessed.

We need church. I need church. My husband needs church. And my kids need church. It often comes with a lot of hurdles, but what sweet relief and renewal I feel, when we make it over them.

. . . and on with the fight . . .

I don't have a title for this post and not sure where it's going, so maybe by the time I get to the end, I will figure it out. I just know that I've neglected this blog that I promised to get back into ... and yet, here I am, more than two months later, with no updates . . .

. . . That, folks, is the story of my life right now: well-meaning intentions of getting so many things done, and yet, having no time, no energy, and/or no money to get them done. Maybe some day I will learn how to set realistic expectations for myself - just another goal of mine that I probably won't accomplish. (Oh, the never-ending cycle.) 

Nevertheless, I will move forward with my goal of writing and I will continue on with this post.

As you may remember from my last post, I expressed my excitement to be entering this new world of medication to help treat anxiety with my daughter. All that I said is true, and I am glad I re-read it for my own good - to remember the positive experiences that we have had since starting the meds. However, I think this entry is going to bring me right back to the realities of mental illness - more specifically, the reality that it is not "fixed" quite as easily as just taking a pill.

I feel like the first weeks after starting medication, we had this amazing opportunity to experience what life is like without a debilitating mental illness in our second grader. However, I almost feel like we were in a stage of "euphoria," if you will. It was only a matter of time before her body became accustomed to this new medication, and the realities of anxiety came back to remind us that this will be a life-long battle. This is a fight that Belle will have to fight every day - some days she'll have to fight harder than others, and some days she might be blessed to feel like there isn't a need to fight - but the fact remains that her anxiety did not and will not just disappear with the swallowing of a pill every morning. The challenges of the disease might be made a little easier, and she will feel more capable of taking on those challenges, but they will still be there. The hurdles won't disappear, but she now has a tool to help her build enough strength and endurance to get over those hurdles. So the fact remains that even though we don't have a magical pill to make our problems disappear, I am still grateful for the one we have to help us face them.

As we continue to work on navigating this world of mental illness with our 7 year-old, it is becoming more and more apparent that we are just beginning a life-long process of facing this mortal challenge with not only Belle, but with our younger two children as well. Some days, it feels beyond overwhelming and I feel overcome with defeat. Facing the challenges every single day of kids melting down because their socks and shoes don't feel right, seeing the tears in their eyes as they fight leaving the house and going to school because it just feels too hard that day (every day), dealing with headaches and tummy aches when the stress is too much for them (and for me), and trying to coach them to breathe when the anxiety becomes so much that their body goes into panic mode - it is daunting, it is exhausting, and some days I feel like I cannot keep going. I can't keep doing this.

The thought of doing this for the next lifetime makes me want to crawl under a rock (or really into my comfy bed, under the comforting heavy-weight of my covers, in a dark, quiet room) and never come out. I feel like I am not the person to do this. I am nowhere close to patient enough, nor am I smart enough, strong enough, or healthy enough to fight these challenges every day. I keep thinking to myself, I AM NOT QUALIFIED for this job. I am not qualified to be the mother of these kids and to help them become the best people they can.

Luckily, there are days like today, when I am reminded that although it is true - I am not qualified - I have a Savior who is qualified and who is there to help carry me through my burdens. And although my family is faced with this challenge, it is part of our mortal journey, that if faced with faith and endurance, will teach us, will strengthen us, and will make us better. This thing that makes us feel so far away from perfection can actually be something that brings us closer to perfection if we allow it to. So we will keep on with our fight. I will keep trying to be the mom I need to be. And I will keep praying and hoping that I can somehow help my children turn this challenge into something good. We will work to allow our Savior to help us transform our weaknesses into strengths.

Although our daily pill is not a magic one that has solved all our problems, we will remember that it is just one of the blessings made available to us to help lighten our burdens a little. I hope and pray for others who are facing their own challenges - whether they be a mental illness, a physical challenge, or a financial burden - will, too, be able to find the blessings provided to them to help lighten their load. I hope they, too, will be able to turn to their Savior, to feel the enabling, redeeming, strengthening, and comforting powers of His atonement in their own life.

I am grateful for days like today, and the opportunity to hear from our Prophet and the Lord's apostles, to provide enlightenment and reminders that I can do this. We can do this. We can keep on with the fight.

https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng

Reaching a new phase of our battle with anxiety

It has been well over two years since I have posted on my blog, and here I go, once again. I have been feeling the need to blog for the last little while, but have continued to put it off for other things like work, kids, sleep, cleaning, cooking, netflix-and-chilling, and so on. Yet, I continue to feel the push to write things down, so I am going to try and make the time around my two paying jobs, my 3 kids, my husband who works non-stop as a business owner, and my house that is in desperate need of attention. I will write, and hopefully you will forgive me for my middle-of-the-night, nonsensical rambling.

As you can imagine, I have a few years of experiences and  a few years worth of thoughts built up in my crazy mommy brain, so I have a lot to catch up on. I will do my best to make some type of logical sense in my posts as I try to sum it all up. Hopefully, by some point in the near future, my posts will start to come together with some fluidity, and I can write based on the here and now, and not feel like I'm playing a game of catch-up.

But for now, the topic that is at the forefront of my mind, and the topic I keep feeling the push to write about is that of my recent experiences and lessons that I have learned as the mother of a child with a severe anxiety disorder.

I don't want to overshare about my family and especially my children. I hate to publish something available for all to read about one of my children, who, in ten years, really wishes I wouldn't have. With that being said, I will try to be careful with what I share, but I also want to allow my experiences, thoughts, and feelings to provide support to someone who might need it -- or just simply to help someone feel like they are not alone in the struggles they face.

So on I go . . .

Most of my family and friends are well aware of the challenges we have been facing the last few years with our 7-year-old daughter, Belle; as she, my husband, and I have all tried to navigate this confusing and frustrating world of generalized anxiety. Although, this is something we have been dealing with for quite some time, I feel like the last month has been one of the most enlightening for me. I have finally reached a place of acceptance -- which I think in turn, has also brought about more peace in our home than we have had in quite some time.

Anxiety is not that new to me. Having dealt with my own anxiety from the time I was a child, I have approached this particular challenge of parenthood with what I feel like has been an open mind and, more importantly, a true understanding of the challenges and emotions of anxiety. However, with that being said, Belle's anxiety is new to me in that it is different than my own. Trying to figure out how to help her cope with the anxiety is new to me in that I am only recently learning how my own anxiety affects me. I am still learning, and that has become increasingly clear as the last few weeks have brought me to new levels of understanding. I feel as though our family is entering a new phase of life with anxiety, and let me tell you, this new phase feels refreshing.

So what has brought us to this new phase? What has inspired all the recent learning? I would say it was what my sister refers to as the "breaking point." I finally reached a point where I knew that no amount of empathy, no amount of research, no amount of patience, endurance, or just plain grit was going to help Belle truly deal with this mental illness. I reached a point where I finally understood that anxiety was controlling Belle, and she was never going be able to gain that control back without the help of medication.

Now before you dismiss me as "one of those moms" who simply doesn't do what it takes to discipline my child or provide the structure she needs, who hasn't made the effort to teach my child or try alternative or "more natural" methods to overcoming anxiety, please know that I did do ALL of that and then some. She has been in weekly therapy, we have taken parenting classes, and I have read more about anxiety and parenting then I could even tell you. I was not quick to just put my child on medication because it was the easy way out, nor do I feel like medication is the answer for everyone. However, now that I am "one of those moms," I have to say, and somewhat shamefully admit, that my understanding of anxiety (and mental illness) has grown immensely. Seeing my daughter become herself again and the changes that have taken place after only a few weeks of medication has been truly amazing, and it has taught me more than I realized it would.

There were things I "knew" about mental illness, and that I would even proclaim - like that it is an illness just like any other - it is an illness that should not carry shame with it. It is an illness that sometimes requires medication to be managed, and it is an illness that you cannot overcome alone. Heck, I have dealt with mental illness personally for most of my life; for years, I have worked with medical professionals treating mental illness, and I have gotten to know patients dealing with mental illness. I "knew" in my mind what it was like to suffer from a mental illness. I knew what the books and research and doctors said about it. But to be honest, although I knew all of those things, I did not truly, internally, believe or understand them. And I think the reason I did not believe them, is because I could not ACCEPT those facts about myself.

I am a big believer in self-mastery. I have long felt that mental illness was like any other human weakness and could be overcome with a lot of hard work and persistence, and I still believe that -- to an extent -- but my beliefs about that have evolved a little. Being the independent person that I am, with a little more pride than I'd like to admit; and of course, being the overly controlling person that I am (due to my anxiety - haha), I wanted to believe that ultimately I was the one in control of my life, and that meant that I had the power to control my own anxiety. I had the power to overcome my mental illness -- no assistance needed (including medication). If I could overcome my mental illness with my own efforts, then surely most other people could too -- including my daughter.

I did not want to accept the fact that I might be one of those people, and my daughter might be one of those people who needs medication to function more normally. At the medical office I have worked with for the last 9 years, we treat patients dealing with substance abuse -- or addiction. I have witnessed the true dependency upon medication that people can develop. I did not ever want to become someone dependent upon medication for the remainder of my life, and I definitely did not want to subject my daughter to that type of dependency. I have always wanted for us both to be able to thrive on our own - to get through life without having to be dependent upon a treatment, especially a pill.

.... But then I hit that breaking point. (More to come on that later.) 

It became apparent to me that my daughter needed medication to help her gain control of her anxiety. She needed medication to function like a normal 7-year-old girl. She needed medication in order to gain the control of her own mind and body required to even have the ability to recognize her anxiety. And THEN we could finally start to move forward with teaching her skills to cope with it.

I feel like a new world has been opened to us. My daughter has found happiness again that was being taken away from her by that cruel anxiety. The changes have been much greater than I could have ever anticipated. And for once, I feel like we can conquer this challenge.

Life has changed . . . A LOT

Well blogging world ... it has been way too long since I have been around these parts of the internet. I am hoping to change that though. After reading back on a few of my previous posts, I was glad that I did post. I had already forgotten about some of the experiences and thoughts and feelings that I had posted about. So I am back. I need to blog. It is mostly for me and maybe one day for my posterity, since I have become so horrible at keeping a journal as well. So here I am to document the goings on in our family as well as a few of the ramblings racing through my head.

I have a lot to catch up on, so everyone will have to bear with me as it will take time to catch up on things and as I may post things out of order. But before I begin the game of catch-up, I should probably at least start with life as it is right now.

Us in general ...

We are still living in our townhouse in Orem. We love our neighbors and the area where we live, but do feel like we are bursting at the seams with a family of 5 + 2 dogs in a tiny 3 bedroom townhouse. However, we will probably be here for awhile longer, so we have accepted the fact that we will just be cozy for a bit. :) And we will try to enjoy it as much as we can.


Life is crazy and busy, but I have decided that it seems to just get crazier and busier every day, so I am not waiting for it to slow down any time soon. Life is a different kind of busy than it has been in the past, but it is still busy. At times I feel like our family is like a 3 ring circus and I cannot comprehend how people function with even bigger families, but I know they do so we will keep on going and try to catch our breath once in awhile and enjoy the moments of peace we do have along with the running, the laughing, the crying, the kicking, and all other things that come with this phase of life.





Dave...

Dave is staying busy and working hard at being an incredible father, a loving husband, a provider for our family, and a business owner. He is still putting forth a lot of time and effort to building his business. A few years ago, things just kind of happened (another post for another day) and we created the business DJI Enterprises. It has molded into becoming a property maintenance company. The bulk of the business is working for HOAs and providing any maintenance services from pressure washing to handyman fixes to snow removal. There is still a lot of building and perfecting to take place, but we feel blessed for the business to be where it is and what it is. We have seen the Lord's hand in bringing it to where it is and us to where we are.

When he is not working (and often times even when he is), Dave is incredible at taking care of our family. He is a fun dad who is very involved with our kids' lives and they love him to pieces. He helps me out so much in so many ways. We are lucky to have him.





Me...

I have now been a stay-at-home mom for almost 18 months. Last year, we finally decided it was time for me to quit my job and come home to take care of our kids and help Dave more in building his business. However, I have been so busy with home life that I have not been able to dedicate the time and  attention I would like to his business. Hopefully, now that Sam is getting a little older, I can start working a little more.

Life being home has been both a blessing and a challenge in many ways. I feel like a crazy person most days trying to mother three young children, but I feel like I am starting to get the hang of things (finally) and maybe one day, I will feel like a I have handle on things.












Isabelle...

Our dear sweet Belle is FIVE years old! And I cannot believe it. She started kindergarten this year and for the most part, she loves it. She is doing really well and just growing up so fast. She is currently in the top reading group in her class, she enjoys doing her homework, but of course also loves playing with friends. She also started a new dance class and is loving every bit of it. We will just have to see if she actually gets on stage for her recital. ;)

Belle is the best big sister anyone could ask for and is an incredible oldest child. She loves her siblings and she helps out with them so much. She loves to play with them and she loves to take care of them. Sometimes I almost feel like I have a little mini-babysitter to help me out once in awhile. She loves to help with most things, but she does dread any type of cleaning. She would almost be the perfect child if I could just get her to keep her bedroom clean all the time.

In addition to being a sweet sister and daughter, she can also be a little miss SASS and a drama queen to boot! That girl can sass with the best of them and dramatize the littlest things to be as if the world were ending. Many days, I feel like I have a pre-teen or teenager in my house with the attitude that comes from her. Sometimes I am amazed at the things she dares say. I don't know what we will do with her when she really is in those oh so dreadful teenage years.

Belle loves loves loves to play with friends. Even though she is a shy person with a lot of anxiety, she is a social butterfly with those she is close to. She gets bored with our family quite easily and is always wanting to play with friends. She also loves to craft and amazes me with her creativity and talent. She is becoming quite the little artist and loves to make creations out of just about anything possible. Almost anything can become a piece of art for her. And she will create that art to give to anyone she loves in her life. She loves to make things for those she loves.

Our little Belle has such a good heart and is such a blessing to our family.

Charlotte...

Ooooohhhhhh Charlotte . . . where do I begin with this girl? She likes to give me a run for my money, but she sure is cute. Sometimes I think God makes the most challenging kids the cutest kids.

Charlotte is two years old and sure is a little spit-fire. I am pretty sure the term "terrible twos" was coined just for her. I never knew such little things could result in such enormous tantrums, but if that girl does not have exactly what she wants, exactly when she wants it, and in the way she wants it, you better take cover. And I mean, literally, take cover. She hits and she throws and that girl has an arm and an unnatural strength for such a little person. But if you are ever sad or having a bad day, that little girl sure can brighten it up. She is our cuddle bug and she gives the best hugs and kisses you could imagine. I love her snuggles. I love her cute little arms wrapped tightly around my neck as she says, "I wuv you."

Our cute and crazy Charlotte has been a bit delayed in her speech (which is one of the reasons for the massive meltdowns) so we have had her in speech therapy for six months. I feel like it has been really good for both of us. She is progressing, but is still quite a bit behind for her age. She is nowhere near where Belle was at her age for expressive or receptive language. Even though she can't out-talk her sister, she sure can out-climb her. Charlotte has great balance and climbing skills and she has little fear. She will try just about anything. I don't know where she came from because I am pretty sure she has more guts than Dave or I have even as adults. As such, we have wondered about some sensory issues going on with her - such as Sensory Processing Disorder. She is definitely sensory seeking and we have now started therapy with an Occupational Therapist. We also go to a sensory class for her every week, and she absolutely loves it. It is hard for me to keep up with her sensory needs, but I am trying and hopefully I will get better at it. I just worry about how we will survive this winter being indoors, but we will try, and hopefully we will make it through alright.

Our Charlotte is a crazy one, but we sure do love her.

Samuel...

Sadly, I have not even officially introduced Sam to the blogging world, but I will get to that soon. Our little Sam is 8 months old and he sure is cute! I feel like he is kind of a mix of both our girls in looks and personality. He becomes more fun each day and has the cutest little laugh. He also has the cutest chubby legs you ever did see and is just so squishable. Sam absolutely loves both of his sisters and they can probably get him giggling better than anyone else can. Of course, Daddy is a close second. He lights up every time he sees his daddy, and it is adorable.

I can't wait to see more of our little Sam as he grows into a little person. Even though is was a very unexpected surprise, we are glad to have him in our family and I honestly cannot imagine not having him here.

Dear couponers, discount bloggers, and deal seekers,

It is quite sad that I have not blogged at all since Charlotte was born and I have A LOT of updates to catch up on. And I am sorry to say that tonight you are not getting any updates from me. Instead, you are going to get a little bit of a rant from me. I realize that there are going to be a lot of people that do not like what I have to say, they will have disagreements and arguments for some of my points, but this is my blog and these are my thoughts, so take them for what you will . . .

I feel like more and more these days with the increasing popularity of things like extreme couponing, deal shopping, thrifty thinking, etc., we sometimes lose a little perspective and thought for those people and businesses that are trying hard to keep our economy growing and trying to provide work for others.

It is quite often that I see online or hear in conversation people looking for the cheapest deal on carpet cleaning or lawn care or house painting. And although I totally understand wanting to find the "best price" for a service, I also think it is important to remember that there are two sides to every business transaction. It is important to remember that not only does the car salesman need to be fair with the car buyer, but the same respect needs to be shown the other way.

Too often consumers try to take advantage of businesses - and when it comes to small businesses, people will provide their services because they need the work or want to build good relationships and they need referrals, but all too often are losing money and sometimes eventually losing their business all together. 

I apologize that I'm about to get wordy here, but I wanted to share my own thoughts and experiences on the matter. I'm kind of a matter-of-fact person, so I'm going to try to just make a few points that I might try to more eloquently explain at a later time.

• My sister's father-in-law has always had some good advice when negotiating for things such as a car. "The best deals made are when you walk away feeling like you got a good deal, and when the seller walks away feeling like he made a good deal." (Or something to that extent - you get the point.) It is important to realize there are two sides to every purchase and every business transaction. My own father admits one of his weaknesses (if you want to consider it that) is that he doesn't "wheel and deal" with people. He doesn't think it is fair to talk people down to the point they are barely covering costs - or worse - losing money. It is something I admire about him. He supports business and commerce - he realizes that everyone has to make money somehow. Obviously, you need to find a balance because it is not fair for a consumer to be taken advantage of - thus the importance of research when shopping around for high-cost goods and/or services.

• I see shows like Extreme Couponing and it drives me CRAZY when people are so extreme that their balance comes to pennies or even in the negative to where the store pays them. That is not FAIR. Our country's economy is based on commercialism and free enterprise. How on earth is that supposed to keep going, if stores are the ones PAYING their customers rather than their customers paying them for goods that they are taking home. It is just a twisted and backward mentality that is plaguing our society right now. 

• I have been the manager of a small business for the last five years - a private medical practice. Being the manager, I spoke with MULTIPLE patients (almost on a daily basis) who were wanting a "break" for their medical care. They either wanted me to write it off because of their financial struggles, or give them a large discount, and the list goes on and on and on. I had many people talk to me with the assumption that because we were a medical office and Dr. Vincent was a doctor, there was plenty of money to spare. When in reality it was quite the contrary. In reality, it is a small business in a medical specialty that didn't allow us to just see patient after patient to help bring in money. The changes in healthcare policies and requirements and medicare reimbursements were constantly driving down what we got paid from health insurance while simultaneously requiring new software and compliance policies that were increasing our costs. Running a private medical practice these days is near impossible (financially) - thus the increase in large clinics and hospital owned physicians, as well as the increase in early retirement from independent physicians. My point in this is that not everything is as it appears. I think the general population looks at doctors and think they are just rolling in the dough. This is not always true. Dr. Vincent still had a business to maintain, regulations to meet, employees to pay, and could not and cannot afford to just "write-off" balances because her patients were facing their own financial difficulties. If she did do that, the business would, without a doubt, be bankrupt. 

• My husband owns a small business as well, and being in the industry that he is, he is CONSTANTLY being asked for free or heavily discounted services. I think that this happens A LOT with blue collar work. For some reason, there is this stigma that people shouldn't have to pay a lot for manual labor. When in fact, most manual labor is some of the most expensive service to provide. There are extremely high overhead costs with many of these businesses - for instance, Worker's comp. insurance is quite expensive to cover a construction crew; the equipment and tools are extremely expensive to purchase and to maintain; health insurance for a small business owner is expensive; and then there are the other general business expenses that all experience.  Although my husband could hire illegal immigrants for cheaper, he is honest and a law-abiding citizen, so he hires only legal citizens (requiring him to pay statutory matching payroll taxes) and tries very hard to pay them what they are worth (although sometimes we feel guilty that we can't pay them more for the intensive manual labor that they put in). Our livelihood and the livelihood of our employees now depends on customers being willing to pay for our services. However, that can be quickly taken away from us if we cannot compete with the "cheaper" immigrant down the street, or if our friends and family members will only take free or heavily discounted services. If you ask me, shouldn't we want to support local businesses? Shouldn't we want to support free commerce? Shouldn't we want to support our family members and friends? Shouldn't we want to do all these things, rather than trying to get everything for free or for cheap?

Like I said, I do think there needs to be a balance in frugal living and fairly paying for goods and services to keep our economy flowing.  Send a little reminder out that we need our economy to grow and to thrive, and that won't happen if we don't PAY businesses to stay in business.

By all means, continue to do what you need to do to save your own family money, but please also remember that those you are negotiating business deals with, are too, trying to do the same thing and provide for their own families.

P.S. I don't want this post to be taken in any kind of offense or as if I don't understand that a break can and should be given where deserved or that giving service or charity shouldn't take place, because I also firmly believe in serving others. Trust me, in both businesses I have been involved in, we have written off or discounted plenty of services when needed, and we have done it gladly and with open hearts. I just felt like a few of these points needed to be made to the general population in regards to most (not all) general situations.

Our Little Charlotte

I am sorry it has taken me SOOOO long to post about the newest addition to our little family. No one told me how much more exhausting having TWO kids is. ;) For some time now, I have been wanting to post about bringing our new baby girl into this world, so I am going to attempt to do so now and hopefully, I will be able to get everything down before a baby or a needy toddler start crying.

THE DELIVERY
With a scheduled c-section, there is not really an exciting birth story to post, but I have wanted to write about the day nonetheless.

I was EXTREMELY nervous to give birth again -whether it were going to be a VBAC or repeat c-section. My delivery with Isabelle was very long and very traumatic for us both, and resulted in a very long recovery period for both of us (you can read about it here if you do not know the story). I didn't realize how much that horrible delivery had affected me until this past December when I went to the hospital to be there for my sister Camille's delivery of her youngest. Being present at a delivery for the first time since my own triggered some major anxiety that I was not expecting. At that time, I did not yet know I was pregnant, but we had just completed our first round of IUI, so I was hoping to have a baby sometime soon. Two days after that delivery, I found out I was pregnant. And along with the joy of actually being pregnant came the anxiety of anticipating another delivery. My doctor (who was a new doctor from my previous delivery) reassured me that a scheduled c-section would be SOOO much better than what I had gone through before, and that I really didn't need to worry so much about it. .... Turns out, he was right.

We scheduled the surgery for the morning of Thursday, August 23rd. The night leading up to the 23rd and that morning as we went to the hospital, I was extremely nervous, as I did not really know what to expect. Fortunately, I had an AMAZING nurse, and of course, I really like my doctor, so they helped to calm my nerves a lot. I walked back to the operating room (which seemed kind of weird to me), and for the most part everything went smoothly. The only complication we had, was getting my spinal block in place. The nurse anesthetist ended up poking me three times (yes THREE needles into my spine) before he got it in a good space -- apparently, my spine didn't really want to cooperate. And those first two pokes HURT - like jump off the operating table hurt. Since the third poke made it into the right space, it wasn't that bad. From that point forward, everything went great. Once I was on the table and prepped for surgery, Dave came in to be with me. And things were started. I couldn't feel anything (as opposed to the first time around, when the surgery was very painful), I was fully alert since I hadn't just experience 18 hours of labor and pushing, and it was a MUCH more enjoyable experience. Sooner than I knew it, Dave told me with excitement that our baby girl was here. Very shortly after that, I heard her cry. And I was immediately overcome with joy and an incredible emotion that I sadly did not experience the first time around. It was such a sweet moment to hear my baby girl's cry, and it was a moment of relief to know that she was FINALLY here, safe and sound after a roller-coaster of a pregnancy. After they got her cleaned up a bit, they brought her over to me to see her and to put her on my chest a bit. That was yet another experience I did not get the first time as they had to take Belle straight to the NICU when she was born. It was a tender moment for Dave and me to meet our baby girl for the first time. I felt so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing this sweet baby to join our family and to do so safely.

CHARLOTTE EMILY SHUMWAY
From the time I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte, I immediately felt an incredible love for her. As many of you know, the pregnancy had its share of ups and downs, which I think she helped to strengthen the love and bond I share with this sweet girl. If there are two words I could use to describe baby Charlotte so far, they would be FAITH and ENDURANCE.

Everything about Charlotte has truly strengthened the faith of our family. Trying to get pregnant with Charlotte tested our faith, but also strengthened it as we felt so incredibly blessed when we found out we were pregnant after doing only one round of intrauterine insemination (IUI). And then starting at our 18th week of pregnancy forward, our faith continued to be tried, but was always followed by a miracle. The ups and downs started at our 20 week ultrasound, when quite a few organs of hers were dilated (read here). And then at 27 weeks, my water broke and we were definitely in for a scare (read here). A few weeks after that, I fell pretty bad down a flight of stairs. And then a few weeks after that during a routine appointment, the doctor noticed an irregular heart beat and sent us to a neonatalogist for a closer look at the heart, who then sent us to a pediatric cardiologist at Primary Children's because of her own concerns. We just seemed to have one scare after another with this little girl. And yet, with each and every scare, we ALWAYS experienced a miracle. She definitely taught us to have a lot of faith during the ups and downs and helped us to learn the true power of prayer -- as I know that there were many prayers said on our behalf on multiple occasions during the pregnancy. I was definitely humbled as I heard of the fasting and prayer that took place on our behalf. And I felt the immediate blessings of those prayers, the fasting, and the faith that went into it.

Despite the challenges the pregnancy brought, our baby girl endured, and for that, I am grateful. Not only did we have some trials to do with the pregnancy, but my life leading up to her birth was extremely stressful and busy. And I put my body through A LOT of stress. And still, our little Charlotte endured through it all with me. She truly is a special spirit sent directly from our Heavenly Father. And I am incredibly grateful to have her in our lives.

I am excited to watch this beautiful baby girl grow and develop and to see what plans the Lord has in store for her, because I truly believe that she will continue to exemplify the characteristics of faith and endurance. We love you Charlotte Emily and are excited you have come to join our crazy family!