Now for me...

It's a rarity, but I am going to attempt to do a second post in one day. I'm exhausted and really want to go to bed, but I'm feeling the need to post, so I'm gonna go for it.

(Obviously, I did not finish this the same night, but I made an attempt.)

Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, my most common two answers are "good" and "busy." Well, tonight I am going to attempt to give a more detailed answer to how I am doing.

I feel like any time I post about anything other than pictures of our most recent family event, it is me venting about my life. Unfortunately, I am going to do it once again. I don't want anyone to think that I hate my life or that I'm a miserable person, because I'm not. Although I'm not a bubbly, enthusiastic, love every minute of life type of gal, I'm also not a depressed, poor-me type of gal either. So I apologize that all you ever hear is the part of me that just needs to vent.

My sister, Brittany and I were talking about this very thing tonight -- that every time she writes on her blog is WHEN she is depressed. So everyone thinks she is always depressed, even though it is not so. It's just that when writing happens to be your emotional outlet, you generally use that outlet when your emotions are sad, melancholy, pensive, etc.

... Anyway, no need to get off on a tangent that has nothing to do with my post.

So back to me. :) How am I doing? I'm EXHAUSTED and feeling a bit beaten at the moment. In an effort to keep this post as simple as possible, here are the reasons:

1 - My job is exhausting.

Before I go on about this, let me just say that I really do love my job. I have the BEST boss anybody could ask for and I love what I do. My job is different every single day and I am always working at bettering the business and bettering me at what I'm doing. Because of that, I never get bored, and I get a lot of satisfaction. I have an incredible boss that cares more about her employees than probably any other boss in the world does. She appreciates her staff, and she appreciates me. It makes work so much more enjoyable to be working for someone so great.

However, work is still hard. And it is especially hard right now. After a long, drawn-out lawsuit last year with the owners of the building we are in, we reached a settlement in January (hallelujah). That in and of itself was exhausting, but it has just led to probably even more work and more exhaustion for me. We need to be out of our office by April 30th, and trying to find a place for us has been anything but easy. I have looked at hundreds of different options, I have spent hours dealing with realtors, and hours in conversation with Dr. Vincent to try and prioritize our needs and wants, I have spent hours running numbers and scenarios and trying to figure out what is going to work for us. I have spent sleepless nights and many dreams thinking about what to do. And on top of all that, I have tried to stay on top of all my other daily duties and keep the office running. After all of that, I think we have finally made a decision on where to go, but it is going to require us to move twice - yes, twice. That means I have to orchestrate a move TWO times - get all of our crap packed and moved twice, get our phones and computers set up twice, organize an office twice, find a place for everything twice, etc, etc. So now I will move on to hours of organizing. I feel like my head has been spinning in circles for the last few months, and I don't think the spinning will stop for awhile. uuuuggghhhh. I am just ready for all of this to be done.

2 -My personal life is in chaos

Because the chaos of my work life isn't enough, Dave and I like to create even more chaos in our home life (please notice my sarcasm in this statement). We just do not have the time or space for structure and organization in our lives, plain and simple. Dave and I are both people who thrive in organization, and yet we can't seem to reach any sense of organization in our lives right now no matter how hard we try. Just so you have an idea of our typical week day, here it is:

6:00/6:30am - Wake up and Dave goes to clean my office

7:30/8:00am - Belle wakes up, Dave and I split up duties of getting her ready and fed.

8:30am - I head out to work.

--- While I work straight through the day (usually w/o a lunch break), Dave tries to manage Belle, the house, studying, and HOA duties.

5:30/6:00pm - I come home and usually cause Dave to be late to his 5:30 classes. He then goes to school while I attempt to muster up any energy I can to feed Belle and entertain her until bedtime.

8:00pm - Bedtime for Belle (most glorious time of day)

8:30pm - Dave comes home from class

9:00pm - We finally get a chance to eat dinner, sit down, and relax for a bit

On Wednesdays, when Dave doesn't have a night class, I usually work up until I have to go to mutual, then go straight to mutual, and come home at 9:00pm. Fridays are the best, because he doesn't have classes and I normally get home from work by 6:00pm and we usually just take time to relax or maybe go run errands as a family. On a good majority of Saturdays, Dave does side work - whether doing a construction job or cleaning carpets or helping people in the ward. It generally does not end up being a family day as we would prefer it to be. And after an exhausting work week, I am lucky to get 1 or 2 household chores done while Dave is gone. On Sundays, we usually try to take advantage of every spare minute we have to relax and just enjoy one another.

So when do we fit in household cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, needed errands, etc? Dave tries his hardest (and does a better job than I) to do all these things during the week. However, it is hard to get to all these things when he has studying to do and HOA meetings to attend, and phone calls to make. Thus, our household is one of chaos. Not only do we not have time for these needed parts of our life, we do not have time for ourselves (i.e. working out, having hobbies, socializing with others, etc).

Need I explain more why my life is in chaos? I realize we have a small family and we haven't even begun the craziness of kid activities like piano lessons and soccer practice. Oh how I am not looking forward to all of that.

3 - My health is wearing on me

For as long as I can remember, I have always been kind of a mellow person - not really bursting with energy. However, during the last year or two, I simply do not have energy beyond what I need for my job. By the time I get home from work - I am totally worn out and just do not have the energy to do ANYTHING. Not only that, but I have just not felt totally like myself and I am on edge a lot more (to put it nicely). So back in October, I had some tests done and found out I am borderline hypo-thyroid and my hormones are a bit out of whack. So I now have my health working against me and my desire to have a life full of energy and structure.

4 - Life is just wearing on me

I have said this many times, and I will say it again: I have an INCREDIBLE husband and a GORGEOUS daughter! I am truly one lucky gal. I have a good job, we have a nice home, and we have one another. We are a lucky family. However, there are still times that are just wearing. Is it okay for me to say that life is just hard sometimes?

I am beyond ready for Dave to be done with school, and I think he is even more ready than I am. School is just plain hard for him, and as Belle is getting older, we are wanting to reverse our roles more and more. Unfortunately, we still have a long stretch ahead of us before he is done. It is so long, that sometimes I feel like we will never reach the end. It is getting harder for me to continue missing so many moments in Isabelle's life, and I have such a longing to play a greater role in her growth and development. And I want to be able to do mommy things - I want to take her to swimming lessons in the summer, I want to be able to do play dates with other moms, I want to take her to the library for story time (or just to read), and I just want to feel like I am a normal mom.

I am also ready to have another baby and it is just not happening for us. I'm just going to put it out in the open - Dave and I haven't been preventing for about a year, and we have been trying for about 6 months, and REALLY trying for about 3 months. Belle just loves other kids and we want so badly for her to have a sibling. And I just want another baby. Of course there are hesitations with the thought of having another baby - I hardly have energy now to deal with life as it is, I have no clue how I'd be able to handle a newborn in the mix. And after having Belle and having to work full time after she was 3 weeks old, I promised I would never do that to myself again. I do not want to miss out on being able to spend time with my newborn. However, if we have a baby within the next five years, I just don't have much of an option - I will have to go right back to work. But we have to weigh out the pros and cons - do we want to wait 5 years before having another baby, or do we want to have one sooner and face the trials that will come along with it?

Although there are a lot of hesitations and a lot of hurdles that come along with the possibility of having a baby, both Dave and I are just really feeling the desire and the need to expand our family. So now we have added the stress of "trying" to have a baby to our lives. And for those of you who have had to actually "try" month after month with ovulation calculation, hormone balancing, etc., it can get stressful, and it can get exhausting, and of course, it can get a little depressing. I try to keep a positive attitude about it all. I try to remember there is probably a reason we have not yet gotten pregnant and I hope and pray that we will be blessed with another baby when Heavenly Father feels it is time. However, the monthly disappointment is beginning to wear on me. And I know that I really don't have room to complain - there are so many women out there who have been trying much longer than we have, and there are many who would be happy to have the blessing of just one child (which we already have), but it's still hard, and it's one more thing to weigh on me emotionally and physically. It is just another factor in my exhaustion.

..... so there you have it. There is my life in a nutshell right now. And there is my long explanation for my current exhaustion.

I give you my congratulations and apologies if you made it through this entire post. :)