Pushing Through

I'm not gonna lie, life has been hard lately.

I don't think there is anything specific that has made it harder than usual, I think I'm just simply wearing down and I'm finding it hard to muster up the energy and determination to keep on plugging along.

It is probably no big secret to most, but more than anything, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom (or even a part-time working mom - I'd take that too). Obviously, our life has just not worked out to where I can be home. And really, I have been okay with it for the most part. I have a good job and I really enjoy what I do and it has worked out for us. Of course there are still times it is hard and I get down a little, but I can usually kick myself back into gear within a few short days and keep on going. For some reason, it is not working out that way this time around.

I feel like every day, my heart hurts just a little more and my spirit sinks just a little deeper, and I can't get myself out of this wallowing of self-pity. I am definitely not a fan of the "poor me" attitude, so I try to just push myself out of it, and it is just not working. What is wrong with me? I need some help here people. I know that there are millions of other working moms out there, and they can do it. So why can't I? Why can't I seem to make everything work? Why can't I enjoy a productive day at work, then come home and cook some dinner, clean up the house, and spend time with my family and do it all again the next day with a smile on my face? It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to me, but it is.

I feel like an awful mother and wife. My house is ALWAYS a mess, I NEVER cook, and I hardly have the energy to provide the love and attention my family needs each day. I am going to be honest, I've been a total grump lately. My thyroid and hormones are totally out of whack, and I've been trying to adjust my hormone levels to help make me a sane person (and a fertile woman), but it just seems to be making things worse. I feel so bad for my husband and daughter because I am just no fun to be around. I wish I could just somehow force myself the person I need to be and want to be.

.... have you heard enough of my complaints yet?

The fortunate thing in all this, is that I have the gospel. And I have been able to find small glimmers of hope that I will be able to pull through this. Let me just share three things that are helping me to keep pushing.

1) I recently flew to Denver for a short 1 day trip to a conference for work. On my way there, I decided to read some conference talks. One of the talks I happened to read was my Russel M. Nelson called "Face the Future with Faith." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/face-the-future-with-faith?lang=eng Quite fitting for my needs right now, don't you think? Not only did the words of this talk from one of our modern day prophets help me, but the knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves us so much to provide us with prophets to share the very words we need to hear reminds me that I am not alone and I have a support system to help me face my challenges.

2) On my flight back from Denver, I just stared out the window as we flew into the Salt Lake Valley. And I looked at all the little houses, and little neighborhoods, and little cars driving. I always love looking out the window as I fly and get a different perspective of the world. This time was a little different though. This time, I was looking over Provo and Orem, where I have spent the last seven years of my life, and I was picking out all the various landmarks and figuring where things were located. I was looking at this valley where I spend my every day life from a much different perspective. It made me think about "the bigger" picture. And I just kept thinking how small and insignificant everything seemed from that view, but yet how inside of every one of those homes there was a family probably facing their own very "big" trials and challenges. I thought about how narrow-minded I am each and every day as I go about life and focus so much on how things are affecting ME. Yet so many of those things that I am focused on are so small and so insignificant compared to what really matters. This time right now is so small compared to eternity. So the things that I should be focusing on are the things that affect my eternity. When I look at it that way, my problems just don't seem so big anymore.

3) Today was a combined lesson for Young Men and Young Women. Brother Moore, who happens to be a seminary teacher, is the person who taught the lesson. He was talking about remember who WE are and BEING children of God. One of the scriptures he shared was yet again something I needed to hear. He had us read in Romans, chapter 8. http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/rom/8?lang=eng Verses 17 and 18 are just what I needed. They state:

17And if children, then heirs; ^aheirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we ^bsuffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

18For I reckon that the ^asufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the ^bglory which shall be revealed ^cin us.

I am sure I have read these verses time and time again. Yet today is when I REALLY needed them. What amazing words. I am a joint heir with Christ, and my sufferings that I am facing now are not even worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed IN ME.

If I can continue to have the patience to endure and have the faith to keep moving forward, hopefully I will be able to just keep pushing through this heartache that is mine at this moment.

Summer thus far

Sorry I have gotten a bit behind on the blogging. Time just passes way too quickly when you're having fun I guess. :)

We'll start with Memorial Day:

I was kind of bummed with the fact that we had not-so-great weather for Memorial Day weekend, but we still tried to make the best of it. On Saturday, we went to a Francis family picnic where we got together with some of my dad's family including his cousins.

After the picnic, my family took a drive up to the Morgan Cemetery to make our annual visit to my grandparents' graves and other family members. Belle loved the cemetery and running around from headstone to headstone.

Although the weather wasn't fabulous, we still had a good time.

Then there was St. George:

My Grandma had her time share available for a week in June, but no one was able to use it. There were conflicts with just about everyone. However, there were three of us who could manage to squeeze it it. :) So my mom, Kathryn, and I decided it would be great to go down together and split the cost of things and enjoy a girl's weekend at the same time.

It was so nice to get away from life for a little bit. We didn't do much of anything while we were there, and it was great. We spent some time at the pool and tried to get Belle used to the water, as she was terrified of it. With each new day in the pool, she enjoyed it more and more.

We also did a tiny bit of shopping, and of course a little bit of eating.

And then came the 4th of July:

The 4th of July seems to be the holiday that all of Dave's family makes it down to Blanding. Personally, I love going to Blanding for the 4th because you get the small-town, America feel on the perfect holiday for that feeling. We enjoy a small, and somewhat lame parade, followed by a carnival with lots of food and games for the kids. Then of course comes the fireworks which actually seem to be somewhat impressive for such a small town.

Since Aerial fireworks were legalized this year, quite a few people were lighting them throughout Blanding, so Belle got a small taste of fireworks while she was playing around outside. All Sunday night (the 3rd) and ALL DAY on the 4th, Belle kept saying, "Go see bireworks." Belle wanted to see the fireworks so badly, and I was so excited for her to see them. Unfortunately, they seemed to scare her a little bit once they started. She just hid her head under her blanket and eventually fell asleep. Then as we were walking to the car after they ended, she started all over again - "See Bireworks." That poor girl just wanted to see the fireworks, but she was too scared and too tired to give them any attention. Hopefully, next year will be a bit better and she will actually get to enjoy the official fireworks show.

We LOVE the 4th and everything that comes with that holiday. We are sad it has come to an end and we had to leave Blanding once again for awhile.

We have enjoyed some good summer festivities this far and we hope to have A LOT more!

Easter

I know I have a few other things I need to catch up on, but for now, I will post about our Easter celebrations since it was the most recent and since I just uploaded all the pictures.

Our Easter festivities mostly took place yesterday, as we have decided to have the Easter bunny visit our house on Saturday before Easter so we can leave Sunday to focus on the real reason for the holiday - the atonement and resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, Dave was not around to see Belle go through her gifts from the Easter bunny. He was away (working for mommy) in the morning when she woke up. -- That's another story, I will get to later. --

Of course the Easter bunny visited in the night, so Belle woke up to her basket filled with Easter eggs and gifts. I'm not so sure I like her waking up to those things as her breakfast ended up consisting of Starburst, jelly beans, and M&Ms. I may need to ask the Easter bunny to visit during nap time next year. :-) We'll see I guess.

She LOVED seeing her basket though. She got an umbrella, some new books, and some Dora DVDs, which of course ended up being the thing she was most excited about. She is officially OBSESSED with Dora. At first I thought it was cute, but it's now getting a bit ridiculous. All she wants is "Dora, Dora, Dora...."

That afternoon, we went to my parents' house for a lovely family party. We began with an Easter egg hunt for the kids. They had a lot of fun, and of course Belle loved every minute of it. She didn't even care so much about the Easter eggs, she just loved running around the back yard with the other kids. It was fun to watch her in excitement running around and squealing. With the help of her Aunt Kathryn, Belle was able to get some eggs in her basket though.

After the hunt, we went to roll Easter eggs, which I haven't done in quite some time. We used to go every year when I was growing up, but we haven't done it in awhile. It was pretty fun to watch the adults and the kids enjoy being outside rolling (and throwing) eggs down the hill while competing to get theirs the furthest without breaking it. Belle was hilarious. She didn't want to roll her egg down the hill. She preferred to just hold it close to her as she ran up and down the hill. Eventually she ran down to the bottom of the hill and then threw her egg. I guess she really wanted to win by getting hers the furthest - she had a good method. :)

After all our outside fun, we went back to my parents' for a yummy dinner and then we just hung out for a bit and then played a short round of Taboo. It was a fun evening, and hopefully, we will make the Saturday party a tradition.

Today, Belle got her Easter present from Mommy and Daddy - of course a cute Easter dress with some very fashionable shoes. Unfortunately, I only got one picture this morning before church and forgot to get some outside afterward (I guess I was in too much of a hurry to get her fed and down for a nap). But she looked adorable, with or without the pictures to prove it.

This morning turned out to be a hectic one, so unfortunately, we did not have as spiritual of a day as I had hoped for. If anything I have learned my lesson - use Saturday to prepare for Sunday (like the primary song says). I did not have my laundry washed, and ironed, and ready for church, so of course we were late, and didn't even get there in time to sit in the gym for sacrament - we were out in the foyer. Even without a good seat in the chapel or cultural hall to enjoy the Easter program, my thoughts have still been turned to the Savior for most of this Easter Sabbath.

I will forever be grateful for my Redeemer Jesus Christ, who suffered and died for me, so that I might be forgiven of my sins and be able to return to live with my Heavenly Father. Because of His great love, I will be able to live with my beautiful family for eternity, which brings incredible peace and joy to my life amidst all the trials and heartache that we have faced and that are to come.

I know that my Redeemer lives!

Trauma

As many of you know, last Friday night, we experienced a bit of a traumatic event in our family. I got off work early and we were so excited to be able to spend a relaxing late afternoon and evening together as a family. We had been to Kohl's to buy some pillows for our bed and then we decided to head to the mall to purchase some new phones that Dave had been wanting for a LONG time. Little did we know that things wouldn't go quite as planned.

It was about 5:30 and Belle and I were both hungry so we decided to get some dinner in the food court before going to purchase our phones. We got Chic-Fil-A (of course, because who doesn't choose Chic-Fil-A when they eat at the mall?). Belle lasted in her high chair for only a few short minutes, so I put her in the chair next to me. As there was no booster seat, she wasn't tall enough to eat at the table, so she stood on the chair to eat. While she was sipping her drink, she was turning back and forth between our table and the planter box behind us. And then it happened . . . her adorable little flip-flop got caught in one of the slats of the chair causing her to trip and she fell face first into the corner of the table next to us. I tried to catch her, but could not.

As I leaned over to pick our poor girl up (which I have done countless times with countless falls), I noticed that this fall was not the same as others. There was blood on the floor beneath her. I sat her on my lap with her back to me, so I couldn't quite see her face. I saw that blood was coming from her cheek, so I immediately grabbed some napkins to put on the wound. I then saw Dave's panicked face as he looked at her. I was trying to stay calm and wanted to try and clean the blood up before panicking too much. I looked down at her cheek and saw tons of blood gushing out of a gaping, fleshy wound in her cheek. I then started to panic a bit as well. We gathered all our things, left all our food on the table, grabbed a bunch more napkins and rushed out of that food court (we may or may not have pushed a few people along the way).

I sat in the back of the car while holding Belle and keeping napkins pressured on her cheek. Dave was weaving in and out of traffic and speeding through the city (while scaring me to death). And poor, poor little Belle was just crying and saying "Cheek, cheek, cheek." She was breaking my sad little heart as she cried and bled in my lap. She tried pushing my hand away from her cheek and as I took that napkin off for a brief second, I got a clearer look at the gaping cut. It was worse than I thought. It looked as if she had lost a chunk of flesh and I worried about her poor little face. I said out loud, "Oh, shoot." And cute little Belle between her cries, said, "Oh, shoot." I smiled just a bit. Of course our beautiful Belle could make such a crummy situation funny and cute.

While speeding to the ER, Dave managed to call his dad to meet us there so he could help give Belle a blessing. After pulling up to the ER doors, we rushed in with Belle in my arms and they immediately got us into a Triage room. A tech and a nurse took Belle's vitals and got a bandage for her cut. We were soon taken back to an ER room where Mark and Cheri soon met up with us. Dave and his dad gave Belle a blessing. With Ganma and Papa there to help distract her, Belle soon started to calm down and nearly forgot about her cheek. Soon they had to leave, and we waited a little longer for the doctor. He came in and looked at her cheek and said that it was actually a pretty clean cut and that he would be able to do the stitches rather than waiting for a plastic surgeon.

Belle on "Ganma's" lap while waiting for the Dr. to come in.

We kept her distracted with a rubber glove.

Since she is so young, they decided to sedate her so she would remain still while they did the stitches. They gave her a shot (of something) for the sedation. And within about a minute, she was pretty much out. It was actually really sad and unnerving to watch. Her eyes stayed open, but they were glazed over, and she was totally limp. The sedative lasts about 10 minutes, so the doctor started right away on the stitches. He finished the first layer (under the skin) and then started on the second layer. While working on the second layer, the sedative started to wear off. I was getting a little nervous, but he was able to finish before she came all the way out of it.

After the stitches were in and she started to come out of her sedation.

Note the blood all over her dress. There was blood everywhere. :(

We stayed at the hospital for about another 45 min. to make sure that she came out of everything okay and had good vitals. She was sooooo loopy coming out of it. She kept flopping around like crazy and was saying the craziest things. It was kind of funny. The first thing she said was, "wooooe, wooooe, dang (or Dave - I couldn't tell which)." Then she just kept repeating it, "wooooe, woooe, wooooe..." It was quite funny. I so wish I would have gotten it on camera. And ever since, she has been singing this little ditty - "Woe, woe, dang. Woe, woe, dang." Kind of hilarious. I have no idea where she got that from.

The doctor did say that the sedative they used can be a hallucinogen for adults, and in fact is sometimes used as a "date rape" drug. That's comforting.

So we left the hospital that night with Isabelle's first set of stitches (and hopefully her last set). I'm not sure how many stitches were underneath, but she had nine stitches on the outside. For a few days afterward, I could not stop thinking about the whole event. And I would just cringe every time that image of her falling came into my head. I kept trying to think of how I could have done things differently, and if I didn't make Dave stop to get dinner first, and if I had made Belle sit on my lap, etc, etc. I didn't sleep much because 1) Belle didn't sleep much, and 2) I kept waking up thinking about everything. It seriously haunted me. However, Belle hasn't seemed to let it affect her much, so we have just tried to move on like she has.

I was really impressed because she never picked at her stitches and was good to let us clean them and keep ointment on them. However, she did complain about her "cheek" quite often, and she did end up getting a pretty bad black eye with it. So we kept her on pain killers all week to help lessen the pain of her "cheek, cheek."

A Close-up of her stitches on the 3rd day

Last night, we took her back to the ER to get her stitches out, and she did SO well. They swaddled her in a blanket to keep her from moving. She just looked up at all of us (the tech, the nurse, Dave, and me), just kind of wondering what we were doing. She didn't really squirm too much or cry. She squirmed a little when the nurse was pulling a couple tough stitches out of the scabbed part, and she started to get a little restless toward the end. But all in all, she did really well.

The scar is definitely there, but looks pretty good considering what her cheek looked like last week. I think it will heal pretty well.

Her cheek this morning - 1 day after stitch removal. Still red and scarred, but looking good.

I realize an occurrence like this can be quite common with small kids, especially when they are as active as Belle is, but I certainly hope we never have to go through it again.

I need another one of these:

Family History, I am doing it . . .

Okay, I'm not really doing my family history, but I did read a little bit of mine last night and my mind has been filled with many thoughts ever since. So brace yourselves, I have another long post ahead.

For our young women activity tonight, each girl and each leader was supposed to bring a story and a display from their personal family history. I think it was a great idea and highly recommend it for anyone out there wanting ideas for a mutual or Relief Society activity.

So now on to a few things on my mind . . .

1 - What I wish I would have said

As I sat and listened to the stories of all the great family members and ancestors of the young women as well as reflected on the story that I had prepared to share, I couldn't help but be touched by the empowering spirit of Elijah. Before I shared my story, I felt strongly that I should share with the girls a little about the story of Elijah and about the power that exists within the bonds of family stretched between us here and now and our family beyond this mortal realm. I wanted to make sure they understand the blessings that the spirit of Elijah provides us. I want them to know that their ancestors are watching them and praying for them and providing an added support for them as they travel through this life and face the trials it brings. I want them to see that learning about the lives of their ancestors will help them in learning about themselves and their purpose in this life, and the stories that they read will give them an added strength to overcome the hardships that come their way. I want them to feel the tenderness of the spirit and know that it is also a powerful spirit that will aid them in bringing the gospel to others as so many people long for a connection to their ancestry and that longing will lead to an open heart that will allow them to feel that "tug" from their own ancestors waiting for the opportunity to accept the gospel. I want them to know that I have a testimony of the sealing power that binds in heaven what is bound on earth and that it is a power that has and will continue to change their lives.

I want them to know all that, and I wish I would have said all that . . . but I am sad to say that I did not. I let my mind get in the way. I talked myself out of it as I had arrived late and didn't know what had already been said, and I didn't know if someone else was going to conclude the meeting with saying those things, and I didn't want to drag things on too long as to bore the girls, and the list goes on of reasons I did not.

. . . to be continued. It is past my bed time, and my hubby has gone to bed without me. So I must go, but will return to finish my list of thoughts....

Now for me...

It's a rarity, but I am going to attempt to do a second post in one day. I'm exhausted and really want to go to bed, but I'm feeling the need to post, so I'm gonna go for it.

(Obviously, I did not finish this the same night, but I made an attempt.)

Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, my most common two answers are "good" and "busy." Well, tonight I am going to attempt to give a more detailed answer to how I am doing.

I feel like any time I post about anything other than pictures of our most recent family event, it is me venting about my life. Unfortunately, I am going to do it once again. I don't want anyone to think that I hate my life or that I'm a miserable person, because I'm not. Although I'm not a bubbly, enthusiastic, love every minute of life type of gal, I'm also not a depressed, poor-me type of gal either. So I apologize that all you ever hear is the part of me that just needs to vent.

My sister, Brittany and I were talking about this very thing tonight -- that every time she writes on her blog is WHEN she is depressed. So everyone thinks she is always depressed, even though it is not so. It's just that when writing happens to be your emotional outlet, you generally use that outlet when your emotions are sad, melancholy, pensive, etc.

... Anyway, no need to get off on a tangent that has nothing to do with my post.

So back to me. :) How am I doing? I'm EXHAUSTED and feeling a bit beaten at the moment. In an effort to keep this post as simple as possible, here are the reasons:

1 - My job is exhausting.

Before I go on about this, let me just say that I really do love my job. I have the BEST boss anybody could ask for and I love what I do. My job is different every single day and I am always working at bettering the business and bettering me at what I'm doing. Because of that, I never get bored, and I get a lot of satisfaction. I have an incredible boss that cares more about her employees than probably any other boss in the world does. She appreciates her staff, and she appreciates me. It makes work so much more enjoyable to be working for someone so great.

However, work is still hard. And it is especially hard right now. After a long, drawn-out lawsuit last year with the owners of the building we are in, we reached a settlement in January (hallelujah). That in and of itself was exhausting, but it has just led to probably even more work and more exhaustion for me. We need to be out of our office by April 30th, and trying to find a place for us has been anything but easy. I have looked at hundreds of different options, I have spent hours dealing with realtors, and hours in conversation with Dr. Vincent to try and prioritize our needs and wants, I have spent hours running numbers and scenarios and trying to figure out what is going to work for us. I have spent sleepless nights and many dreams thinking about what to do. And on top of all that, I have tried to stay on top of all my other daily duties and keep the office running. After all of that, I think we have finally made a decision on where to go, but it is going to require us to move twice - yes, twice. That means I have to orchestrate a move TWO times - get all of our crap packed and moved twice, get our phones and computers set up twice, organize an office twice, find a place for everything twice, etc, etc. So now I will move on to hours of organizing. I feel like my head has been spinning in circles for the last few months, and I don't think the spinning will stop for awhile. uuuuggghhhh. I am just ready for all of this to be done.

2 -My personal life is in chaos

Because the chaos of my work life isn't enough, Dave and I like to create even more chaos in our home life (please notice my sarcasm in this statement). We just do not have the time or space for structure and organization in our lives, plain and simple. Dave and I are both people who thrive in organization, and yet we can't seem to reach any sense of organization in our lives right now no matter how hard we try. Just so you have an idea of our typical week day, here it is:

6:00/6:30am - Wake up and Dave goes to clean my office

7:30/8:00am - Belle wakes up, Dave and I split up duties of getting her ready and fed.

8:30am - I head out to work.

--- While I work straight through the day (usually w/o a lunch break), Dave tries to manage Belle, the house, studying, and HOA duties.

5:30/6:00pm - I come home and usually cause Dave to be late to his 5:30 classes. He then goes to school while I attempt to muster up any energy I can to feed Belle and entertain her until bedtime.

8:00pm - Bedtime for Belle (most glorious time of day)

8:30pm - Dave comes home from class

9:00pm - We finally get a chance to eat dinner, sit down, and relax for a bit

On Wednesdays, when Dave doesn't have a night class, I usually work up until I have to go to mutual, then go straight to mutual, and come home at 9:00pm. Fridays are the best, because he doesn't have classes and I normally get home from work by 6:00pm and we usually just take time to relax or maybe go run errands as a family. On a good majority of Saturdays, Dave does side work - whether doing a construction job or cleaning carpets or helping people in the ward. It generally does not end up being a family day as we would prefer it to be. And after an exhausting work week, I am lucky to get 1 or 2 household chores done while Dave is gone. On Sundays, we usually try to take advantage of every spare minute we have to relax and just enjoy one another.

So when do we fit in household cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, needed errands, etc? Dave tries his hardest (and does a better job than I) to do all these things during the week. However, it is hard to get to all these things when he has studying to do and HOA meetings to attend, and phone calls to make. Thus, our household is one of chaos. Not only do we not have time for these needed parts of our life, we do not have time for ourselves (i.e. working out, having hobbies, socializing with others, etc).

Need I explain more why my life is in chaos? I realize we have a small family and we haven't even begun the craziness of kid activities like piano lessons and soccer practice. Oh how I am not looking forward to all of that.

3 - My health is wearing on me

For as long as I can remember, I have always been kind of a mellow person - not really bursting with energy. However, during the last year or two, I simply do not have energy beyond what I need for my job. By the time I get home from work - I am totally worn out and just do not have the energy to do ANYTHING. Not only that, but I have just not felt totally like myself and I am on edge a lot more (to put it nicely). So back in October, I had some tests done and found out I am borderline hypo-thyroid and my hormones are a bit out of whack. So I now have my health working against me and my desire to have a life full of energy and structure.

4 - Life is just wearing on me

I have said this many times, and I will say it again: I have an INCREDIBLE husband and a GORGEOUS daughter! I am truly one lucky gal. I have a good job, we have a nice home, and we have one another. We are a lucky family. However, there are still times that are just wearing. Is it okay for me to say that life is just hard sometimes?

I am beyond ready for Dave to be done with school, and I think he is even more ready than I am. School is just plain hard for him, and as Belle is getting older, we are wanting to reverse our roles more and more. Unfortunately, we still have a long stretch ahead of us before he is done. It is so long, that sometimes I feel like we will never reach the end. It is getting harder for me to continue missing so many moments in Isabelle's life, and I have such a longing to play a greater role in her growth and development. And I want to be able to do mommy things - I want to take her to swimming lessons in the summer, I want to be able to do play dates with other moms, I want to take her to the library for story time (or just to read), and I just want to feel like I am a normal mom.

I am also ready to have another baby and it is just not happening for us. I'm just going to put it out in the open - Dave and I haven't been preventing for about a year, and we have been trying for about 6 months, and REALLY trying for about 3 months. Belle just loves other kids and we want so badly for her to have a sibling. And I just want another baby. Of course there are hesitations with the thought of having another baby - I hardly have energy now to deal with life as it is, I have no clue how I'd be able to handle a newborn in the mix. And after having Belle and having to work full time after she was 3 weeks old, I promised I would never do that to myself again. I do not want to miss out on being able to spend time with my newborn. However, if we have a baby within the next five years, I just don't have much of an option - I will have to go right back to work. But we have to weigh out the pros and cons - do we want to wait 5 years before having another baby, or do we want to have one sooner and face the trials that will come along with it?

Although there are a lot of hesitations and a lot of hurdles that come along with the possibility of having a baby, both Dave and I are just really feeling the desire and the need to expand our family. So now we have added the stress of "trying" to have a baby to our lives. And for those of you who have had to actually "try" month after month with ovulation calculation, hormone balancing, etc., it can get stressful, and it can get exhausting, and of course, it can get a little depressing. I try to keep a positive attitude about it all. I try to remember there is probably a reason we have not yet gotten pregnant and I hope and pray that we will be blessed with another baby when Heavenly Father feels it is time. However, the monthly disappointment is beginning to wear on me. And I know that I really don't have room to complain - there are so many women out there who have been trying much longer than we have, and there are many who would be happy to have the blessing of just one child (which we already have), but it's still hard, and it's one more thing to weigh on me emotionally and physically. It is just another factor in my exhaustion.

..... so there you have it. There is my life in a nutshell right now. And there is my long explanation for my current exhaustion.

I give you my congratulations and apologies if you made it through this entire post. :)